《下流祖父》
我说“如果辩方律师” So I said, "If opposing counsel's
“援引了兰德格拉夫诉亨森案” "invoking fiduciary liability precedent
“条款下的受托责任先例” "under the terms of Landgraf v. Henson,
“法官大人 请务必沿用” "Your Honor, please, by all means, go ahead,
“撤销原告事实上的强制救济申请” rescind the plaintiff's de facto petition for injunctive relief."
-太搞笑了 -是啊 -It was fun. It was fun. -Yeah.
对不起 先生们 去去就来 Excuse me, gentlemen. I'll be right back.
真好笑 “强制救济” 太滑稽了 So funny. "Injunctive relief." That tickled my funny bone.
怎么了 尼克 What's up, Nick?
在八卦奶奶的事 对吧 Fucking sucks dick about Grandma, huh?
是的 Yeah.
老太太就这样被杀了 Old woman fucking murdered like that.
-尼克 她得了癌症 -那不是事实 -Nick, she had cancer. -We'll never know the truth.
-那绝对是事实 -好吧 -We absolutely know the truth. -Yeah.
奶奶患了十年的癌症 Grandma had cancer for 10 years.
癌症不一定会死 杰森 You don't just die from cancer, Jason!
-冷静 -一路好走 奶奶 -Calm down... -See you at the crossroads, Grandma.
干什么 开什么玩笑 住手 What are you doing? Are you kidding me? Right now?
嘿 看你的屎样 Hey, get your shit together!
我爸爸和我未婚妻就站在旁边 My dad and my fiancée are literally standing right next to us.
-碧昂丝来了 -不是 -Beyoncé's here? -No.
那是什么 What is that?
哈 Hmm?
-你吸什么 -只是 -What are you doing? -I'm just...
-你他妈的吸毒 -不 这不是 -Are you fucking high right now? -No, this isn't...
-你吸醉了 -电子香烟 -You're high as a kite! -It's an e-cigarette.
装了点大麻 还是电子香烟 It's filled with a little weed, but it's an e-cigarette.
成熟点 兄弟 想干什么 Grow up, man! What are you doing?
“成熟点” 你多大了 "Grow up"? How adult are you?
你坐在车里听国家公共电台 What, do you listen to NPR in your Volvo?
你和商业伙伴比赛打壁球 You play racquetball competitively against business associates?
-没有 -你是否和有夫之妇 -No. No. -You ever go away to a rented house
出去一边喝白葡萄酒 with other couples and then play Scattergories
-一边玩猜字游戏 -杰森 -over a bottle of white wine? -Jason.
呃 Uh...
我给你奶奶吹了一口烟 I just blew a shot at your grandma's memory.
可怜的爷爷 Poor Grandpa...
首先朗读《申命记》第三十章十九节 Our first reading is from Deuteronomy 30:19.
“今日 我呼天唤地” "This day I call the heavens and the earth
“作为见证告你” as a witness against you..."
“我把生与死摆在你面前” "...that I have set before you life and death..."
嘿 宝贝 我在找你 Hey, babe, I found the tie you're going to wear
周日参加早午餐彩排的领带 to the rehearsal brunch Sunday.
喜欢珊瑚色还是鲑鱼色 Do you like the coral color or the salmon?
“比赛不是为了跑得快” "...that the race is not to the swift..."
随便选一种 Either one.
“也不是强者的战斗” "...nor the battle to the strong."
宝贝 怎么了 Babe, what's wrong?
两种颜色 Coral or salmon?
-你喜欢什么 -我喜欢珊瑚色 -Well, what do you like? -I mean... I like the coral.
那也是我想选的 That's what I was going to say, too.
-好的 很好 -好 -Okay, cool. Okay. -Okay.
就选珊瑚 Coral it is!
这是个特别的日子 It's going to be a special day.
“现在要选择生命” "...now choose life,
“使你和你的子孙可以存活” so that you and your children shall live."
我住在瓦尔多斯塔 Anyway, I'm down in Valdosta right now.
开了家宠物店 I opened up a fucking pet shop...
-不是 “幼犬繁育场” -幼犬繁育场 -Not pet shop, "puppy mill." -Puppy mill...
繁殖培养狗很不容易 You know, designer dogs get a bad name,
可以卖个好价钱 but they can go for quite a pretty penny.
-真的 -很难让狗狗交配 -Really? -It's just hard to get them to mate.
-噢 -因为小狗 -Oh. -Because the little dogs,
不想操大狗 they don't wanna fuck the big dogs,
而大狗 不想操小狗 and the big dogs, they don't wanna fuck the little dogs...
需要手动操作 So I gotta manually do it, you know.
需要收集并且手动射入 I gotta spread and manually shoot in.
-嗯哼 -你怎么样 -Uh-huh. -So, what's up with you?
-我一直很忙 -不错 -Well, I'm keeping pretty busy... -Cool.
-嘿 黛安 最近怎么样 -嗨 尼克 -Hey, Diane, how's it going? -Hi, Nick.
-嘿 尼克 -你为什么 -Hey, Nick. -I just don't understand why you have
明天要开车去佛罗里达 爸爸 to drive down to Florida tomorrow already, Dad!
刚刚完成葬礼 We just had the funeral.
你奶奶和我每年都去那里 Your grandmother and I were there at this time every year.
这是她想要的 It's what she would have wanted.
要不是驾照被收了 我自己开车去 I'd drive down myself, except they took my license away.
为什么要杰森开车送你 But why does Jason have to be the one to drive you?
他工作很忙 He's so busy at work...
婚礼下周末就要举行 彩排早午餐 Got the wedding coming up next weekend, the rehearsal brunch.
整个律师事务所同事都来了 You know, the entire law firm is coming to this.
-没错 爷爷 -杰森 -It's true, Grandpa. -Jason...
有很多事要忙 梅瑞狄斯和我 We have a lot of stuff, Meredith and I...
我还没说完 I'll handle it.
继续 Go ahead.
尼克表弟怎么样 爸爸 How about Cousin Nick? Huh, Dad?
为什么不让尼克去 Why doesn't Nick do it?
送去商店的巧克力色拉布拉多很猥琐 We got this chocolate lab down at the store that is just so horny,
每次触碰它的耳背 都会喷出精液 every time I touch the back of its ear, it just gushes cum.
-好了 -就像喷射 -Okay. -I mean, like a squirting...
那是你的狗 Is that your dog?
法律不允许尼克离开佐治亚州 Nick isn't legally allowed to leave the state of Georgia anymore.
高中毕业后我很少见他 I've barely seen this guy since high school.
和他呆在一起有什么不对 What's wrong with spending some time with him?
和家人在一起突然变得重要了 Oh, so spending time with family is suddenly important to you now?
他明早可以来这里吃早餐 Look, he can come here tomorrow morning for breakfast.
白天开车去博卡 We can drive down to Boca during the day,
打一两场高尔夫球 maybe play a round of golf or two,
第二天他就回亚特兰大 then he'd be back here in Atlanta the next day.
他不能去两天 He can't just flake off for two days!
这样来回太匆忙了 我不想这样 The risk versus reward here is just... I don't see it happening.
这是她想要的 就这样 It's what she would have wanted, that's all.
如果你要为婚礼做准备 真的那么忙 But if you have to get ready for your wedding, if you're that busy...
他为什么要你带他去 I just don't understand why he wants you to take him.
你们又没那么亲近 You're not even that close.
以前很亲近 Well, we used to be.
爷爷和我相处得很好 Grandpa and I got along growing up.
每年圣诞节都要做火车模型 我带给他 We used to build these model trains every Christmas, so I brought him...
我们现在时间很紧 Well, it seems like we're cutting it a little close here, you know,
-周五的早午餐彩排 -我知道 -with the rehearsal brunch on Friday... -I know. I know.
我找不到马撒葡萄园岛 And by the way, I can't find any of the Martha's Vineyard vacation photos
度假的照片 吓坏了 for the slide show. I'm just freaking out.
在我的笔记本电脑上 我拿来了 That's because they're on my laptop, which I've got right here.
我会寄给婚礼策划人 So I'll send them to the wedding planner.
你什么都不用担心 You don't have to worry about anything.
谢谢 你爸说走七十五号公路 十六号总是堵车 Thanks. And your dad says take 75, because 16 takes forever.
我知道 他都安排好了 Yeah, I know. He's got it all mapped out for me.
开我的车去 甜心 And can you take my car, sweetie?
我要用SUV来拉酒 I need the SUV for the wine.
爷爷 Grandpa?
嘿 你来了 Hey! You made it!
给我一分钟 Give me a minute...
噢 老天 Oh, God! Shit!
抓我屁股 Grab my ass!
-要上路了吗 -真的很抱歉 爷爷 -You ready to hit the road? -I'm really sorry, Grandpa.
我来得不是时候 I didn't think you'd be doing that.
你发现我选了个小三 So you caught me taking a number three.
-大惊小怪 -三号 -Big deal, right? -Number three?
喝一杯 Have a drink.
不 我要开车 No. I'm driving, so...
我做完锻炼 就走十六号公路再转九十五号 I just got to finish up my exercises, and then we'll hop on 16 to 95.
我爸说走七十五号公路转九十五号 不堵车 Dad says we should take 75 to 95. It's more direct.
爸爸满腹牢骚 Dad's full of shit.
爷爷 确定你没事 Grandpa, are you sure you're okay?
谢谢你陪我去 Thanks for doing this, by the way.
那该死的车管局拿走我的驾照 Those fuckheads down at the DMV took my goddamn license away
说我有白内障 because of these fucking cataracts in my eye.
我仍然可以打高尔夫 毫无疑问 But I can still hit the shit out of a golf ball, that's for sure!
今天下午我在佛罗里达订了一个球座 I made a tee time for us in Florida for this afternoon.
你可以用你奶奶的球杆 You can use your grandmother's lady clubs,
就在前门旁边 they're right there by the front door.
好吧 Okay.
好了 走吧 All right, you ready?
我以为吃了早餐再走 I thought the plan was to have breakfast here?
早餐你拿着 快上那辆娘们车 That's your breakfast. Now let's go get in that giant labia you drove up in
他妈的离开这里 and get the fuck out of here.
确定要我拿着这个开车 爷爷 You sure I should be driving with this, Grandpa?
别担心 如果弄洒了 Don't worry, if you spill it,
这个大卫生棉条应该够用 this giant tampon we're driving in should soak it up.
发一个工作邮件 Just finishing a work email
关于斯坦哈特的文件 for the Steinhart file...
你现在是你爸爸公司的律师 So you're a lawyer at your dad's firm now, is that right?
没错 梅瑞狄斯也是 That's right, and Meredith is too.
她爸爸是律师事务所合伙人 You know, her dad is one of the managing partners there, so...
-我知道 没错 -是啊 -I know, that's... -Yeah.
结果再好不过了 It couldn't have worked out better.
我记得你上高中的时候 Because it's just that I remember when you were in high school,
告诉我很想成为摄影师 周游世界 you told me how much you wanted to be a photographer, travel the world.
诸如此类 That sort of thing.
记得我给你订的《时代》杂志 You remember when I got you that subscription to Time magazine?
是的 我以前喜欢摄影 Yeah, I used to be into photography, but, um...
爸爸在律师事务所工作 I mean, with Dad being at the firm, pfft,
强调把重点放在大学法学院课程 it just made so much more sense to focus on a college curriculum
更加有现实意义 that stressed the law school track.
我喜欢我的工作 爷爷 I mean, I love what I do, Grandpa.
作为公司律师很好 可以处理证券交易合规问题 Being a corporate lawyer is awesome, I get to handle SEC compliance...
-不是吧 -是啊 -No shit! -Yeah. Yeah.
你负责证券交易合规工作 You handle SEC compliance?
-有限合伙人协议 -天哪 我不知道 -LP agreements. -Oh, man, I didn't know that.
-有限责任公司协议 -你瞒着我 -LLC agreements. -You're shitting me!
作为一名公司律师大有好处 Being a corporate lawyer, it's got its upsides.
-知道我喜欢做什么 -什么 -You know what I'd rather do? -What?
我宁愿让奎因·拉蒂法 I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth
从他妈的热气球里嘘我 from a fucking hot air balloon.
就这样 我要去那间卖酒的店 That's me. I'm gonna hit that liquor store over there,
弄点东西 五点在娘们车上见 get some more of the creature. Meet you back at the Dildomobile in five.
你来买单 大律师 You're paying the check, Alan Douche-owitz.
认不认识那个人 很面熟 Where do I know that guy from? He looks so familiar.
就像阿贝克隆比他妈的费奇 He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch.
是啊 穿着J·克鲁 Yeah, while J.Crew J'd-off.
不 你们 他是 真好笑 Shit! No, you guys, he was... It's so funny.
他是我大一摄影课的实验搭档 He was my lab partner in photography class, freshman year.
别扯了 他是佛罗里达校友 No shit! He's a Florida alum?
丽诺尔 来个三连中 Lenore, you can totally finish the trifecta.
天哪 我有过校友了 忘了 Oh, my God, I already have alum, remember?
我干了那个爱哭离婚男 托尼 I fucked that crying divorced guy, Tony.
-有对大蛋蛋 -对 -With the big balls. -Right. Yeah.
-在马桶盖上 -对 -In the porta-potty. -Yeah.
-在车尾挡板上 -对 -At the tailgate. -Yeah.
我需要教授帮助 I need a professor.
等等 对不起 什么是三连中 Wait, I'm sorry. What's the trifecta again?
这是我读到的一件事 It's this thing I read about
在大四时 必须和一个大一新生 where in my senior year I have to fuck a freshman,
一个校友 还有一个教授上床 an alumni, and a professor.
-在哪读到的 -日记本上 -Where did you read that? -In my diary.
-我抄的 -是啊 -Where I wrote it... -Yeah.
他不用任何滤镜或美图软件 He used to take the most beautiful portraits
就能拍出最漂亮的肖像 without using any filters or Photoshop...
-我看过你的日记 -他很棒 -I've read your diary. -He was amazing.
天哪 你偷看 Oh, my God, you did?
-是啊 -喜欢吗 -Yeah. -Did you like it?
我去跟他打声招呼 You guys aren't listening. I'm gonna go say hi to him. Okay?
-别贱 -好吧 -Slut... -Cool...
希望你别用汤米·希尔费格 I hope you don't get Tommy Hilfingered.
虽然有点老 但还不迟 That was really late, but it still counts.
就像每次的月经一样 Just like all my periods...
什么 What?
嗨 你好吗 Hi. How are you?
好 给你 不用找 Good. Here you go, you can keep the change.
不不不 我不是 你 Oh, no, no, no. I'm not... You...
好吧 Okay.
-大伙 听我说 -什么 -Guys? Guys, listen to me. -What?
-快走 -婊子 什么 -Let's go. -Bitch, what?
-闭嘴 走吧 -天哪 -Shut the fuck up! Go! -Oh, my God!
你要买单吗 You all set?
是的 钱给了一个女服务员 对不起 Yeah, I just gave my money to the other waitress, sorry.
没有别的女服务员 There is no other waitress.
我是这里唯一的女服务员 I'm the only one who's ever worked here. Ever...
该死 这破车老是死火 Shit! This fucking piece of shit car never starts!
嘿 Hey!
老天 就像米特·罗姆尼终结者 God, he's like a Mitt Romney Terminator.
打扰一下 Excuse me!
对不起 我下班了 对不起 Sorry, my shift is actually over, so... Sorry...
-噢 不是吧 -什么 -Oh, no way. -What?
-我认识你 -不 -I know you. -No.
是啊 我记得 一起上过摄影课 Yeah, I do. You were in my photography class.
你把照片全拿走了 对吧 You took all those landscapes. Right?
-莎迪亚 -是的 莎迪亚 -Shadia. -Yeah. Shadia.
老天 你是莎迪亚 Holy shit, you're Shadia?
-没错 莎迪亚 -莎迪亚 -Yeah. Shadia. -Shadia.
搞什么鬼 What the fuck!
莎迪亚 阿拉伯语“歌手”的意思 Shadia. It means "singer" in Arabic.
古阿拉伯语“那些人都应该浇水” Or in ancient Arabic, "al-munshida alati tunadi lel-mei."
“她的名字叫别人喝水” Or, "she whose name calls others to water."
-正确 -莎迪亚 这位是 -That's actually right. -Shadia, this is my...
理查德博士 我在佐治亚大学教历史 Dr. Richards. I teach history at the University of Georgia.
你是教授 You're a professor?
是的 怎么 你想拿学分 Yeah. Why? You looking for some extra credit?
杰森和我在做关于中东的报道 Jason and I are doing a story on the Middle East.
他是《时代》杂志的摄影师 He's a photographer for Time magazine.
我在流行音乐宾果之夜中失去了童贞 You know, I lost my virginity at my pop-pop's bingo night.
我叫丽诺尔 My name's Lenore.
“被天使叫做丽诺尔罕见的容光焕发的少女” "The rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore"
“乌鸦说 永不复还” Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore'"
-外交家雪茄 -嘿 你很懂雪茄 -Diplomaticos, huh? -Hey, you know your cigars.
怎么 半个古巴人 What are you, half Cuban or something?
确实 没错 教授 Actually, I am, professor.
-一半血统 -好了 -The bottom half. -Okay.
好吧 我们回去吧 Okay, yeah, we're heading out.
-对 -很高兴见到你 -Yeah. -Good to see you.
这周要去代托纳海滩 We're going to Daytona Beach for the week.
天哪 三个小时前就该到那了 Oh, my God, and we should have been there three fucking hours ago,
快走吧 婊子们 so let's go, bitches!
-我的天 -什么 -Holy shit. -What?
没什么 你是个同性恋 Nothing. You're just really gay.
是吗 谢谢 同性恋队长 Oh, am I? Thanks, Captain Gaydar.
老天 我也是黑人 对吧 Jesus! You know, I'm also black, right?
是的 这也很好笑 Yeah, I know. That's funny too.
你们想跟我一起去吗 So you guys wanna tag along for a bit maybe?
给我们搞点婴儿聚会 Party some babies into us?
-绝对不行 -绝对不行 -Absolutely not! -Absolutely not!
-为什么 -我们还要去打球 -Why? -We have a very important tee time.
当然可以 Of course you do.
打麻将之前你也要打个盹 And do you also have to take a nap before you play Mahjong?
-不 沙狐球 -沙狐球 -No, it's shuffleboard. -Shuffleboard.
然后提前在四点吃晚餐 And then early dinner at 4:00.
我们打赌谁高尔夫球打得好 We have a long-standing bet. Who's the better golfer.
我的球杆更就手 Obviously I've got the bigger 3-wood...
你可以把球打到我的阴道里 Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina.
-我的天 -好的 现在就去 -Holy shit! -Okay, we're going inside now.
-老天 -走吧 够了 -Jesus! -Let's go. That's enough.
-再见 教授 -谢谢你的午餐 -Bye, professor. -Thanks for lunch.
午安 Peace!
-好女孩 -是啊 -Nice girl. -Yeah.
那么 怎么样 Well? How do I look?
就像他妈的大会的主讲人 Like the keynote speaker at a butt-fucking convention.
-什么 -什么 -What? -What?
第一洞开始 简单的四杆洞 We're gonna write in the first hole, it's an easy par-4.
-不不不 -上来 -No, no, no, no. Hey... -Jump in.
-违反规则 爷爷 -别理规则 上来 快点 -This is against the rules, Grandpa. -Fuck the rules. Jump in. Come on.
这样破坏了高尔夫规矩 Not to mention, a breach in golf etiquette.
哔哔哔哔哔 Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!
-哇 嘿 -滚开 混蛋 -Whoa! Hey! -Out of my way, butt-fuckers!
不是吧 你干什么 Really? What are you doing?
得让这家伙去学习规矩 We gotta get this guy to his butt-fucking convention.
想干什么 老兄 怎么了 What are you trying to do, man? What was that all about?
嘿 一挥值千金嘛 Hey. Now there's a million-dollar swing!
很抱歉 I'm sorry!
你们可以先打 我们很慢的 You can go in front of us if you want to. We are not very good.
切得不错 膝盖还不够弯 No, it's a good cut, you're just not bending your knees enough.
我是持牌高尔夫球手 可以教你 I'm a licensed golf pro. You mind if I show you?
好啊 请吧 Yes, please.
要弯一点 在这里 Maybe bend over a little bit... Here.
感觉不错 不是吗 That feels about right, doesn't it?
手握住我的杆 球杆 Hands on my shaft... The shaft.
我把手指伸进去 Let me just get my finger in there.
一 二 三 噢 One, two, three... Oh!
噢 上帝 看见吗 谢谢 Oh, my God! Did you see that? Thank you!
你教高尔夫球多久了 How long have you been teaching golf?
我从宇航员退休以后 Ever since I retired from being an astronaut.
很高兴在这里看到一些天体 It's nice to see some heavenly bodies around here too.
嘿 爷爷 快开始打高尔夫球 Hey, Grandpa, don't you think we should probably start golfing soon...
-搞什么 -你不能给我叫小点 -What the fuck? -Wanna be a lamb and get that for me?
-他刚才叫你“爷爷” -谁 佩佩 -Did he just call you "Grandpa"? -Who, Pepe?
他有智障 很严重 He's a retard. Got it pretty bad, too.
他以为我是他爷爷 He thinks I'm his grandpa.
经常整天坐在家里画海豚 He usually sits at home just drawing dolphins all day.
以前他一个人出门 We used to let him out on his own,
暴力事件这么多 我们... but the raping got so bad that we just...
找到了 Got it.
-要来一杯吗 -好 -You guys want a refill? -Sure.
-当然 -马上回来 -Absolutely! -BRB!
我为我爷爷很抱歉 I'm sorry about my grandpa.
他心情不太好 He's... He's not doing too well.
我奶奶刚刚过世 葬礼就在昨天 My grandma just passed and the funeral was yesterday.
噢 Oh...
我是个律师 不是智障 I'm actually a lawyer, not a retard.
我负责的工作主要有 证券交易合规 I handle of lot of important issues: SEC compliance,
有限责任公司协议 有限合伙人协议 LLC agreements, LP agreements.
那类的东西 That sort of stuff.
是吗 嗯 我们该走了 Yeah, um, well, I think we're gonna get going.
-很高兴见到你 佩佩 -好 -Nice to meet you, Pepe. -Nice...
操 Fuck!
哇哇哇 怎么了 Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened?
怎么走了 你说了什么 Why are they going? What did you do?
什么 我说出真相 What? I told them the truth.
我说我下周要结婚了 I told them that I'm getting married next week,
你不太好 你妻子刚去世 and you're not well because your wife just died.
你干什么 阴道驱虫剂 What are you, fucking vagina repellent?
那些美洲狮想狂欢 Those cougars wanted to party!
-她们想狂欢 -没错 -They wanted to party? -Yes!
你想这样做 Do you hear yourself?
爷爷 开什么玩笑 奶奶 Grandpa, are you kidding me right now? Grandma...
我是想这样做 I'm trying to listen to myself.
奶奶才刚下葬 你就勾搭大学女生 Grandma's funeral was yesterday! Now you wanna hit on college girls?
看色情片自慰 You're jerking off to porn?
-你发什么疯 -杰森 我要做爱 -What's wrong with you? -Jason, I want to fuck!
噢 我的天 Oh, my God...
四十年来第一次单身 我想做爱 For the first time in 40 years I'm single and I want to fuck.
想操到我老二硬不了 I want to fuck until my dick falls off.
想操一匹马 想喝它的血 I want to fuck a horse and I wanna drink its blood!
我要呕吐了 I'm gonna throw up.
四十年来我一直忠于你的奶奶 I was faithful to your grandmother every day for 40 years,
即使是更年期和癌症 even through the menopause, even through the cancer.
她是我一生的挚爱 每天都会想念她 She was the love of my life. I'll miss her every goddamn day.
她临终前对我说“你不需要忍了” But she told me on her deathbed, "You get back out there again."
我已经十五年没做爱了 杰森 I haven't had sex in 15 years, Jason,
我想操 操操操操 and I want to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
这就是你想要的一切 Oh, so that's what this is all about?
从头到尾你不想和我在一起 This whole thing. You didn't want to be with me.
我开车送你去博卡 You wanted me to drive you down to Boca
好助你一路的操 so I could be your fucking wingman?
显然我做错了决定 Well, obviously I made a bad decision
你只会阻止活塞运动 because you're nothing but a cock-blocking machine.
就像以色列的铁穹防御系统 I don't know what you are. You're like the Israeli Iron Dome defense system,
只是用阴道而不是导弹 but with vaginas instead of missiles.
-什么 -就像未来穿越来 -What? -You're like some sort of
某种阻止活塞运动的终结者 cock-blocking Terminator sent back from the future to cock-block humans.
-噢 -机器人应该送你来 -Oh! -The robots should have sent you
而不是阿诺德·施瓦辛格 instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger,
可以让约翰·康纳父母失望 you could have cock-blocked John Connor's parents
-他就不用出生了 -别说了 爷爷 -so he would never have been born! -Shut up, Grandpa!
-闭嘴 -你是怎么了 -Shut up! -What got into you?
我记得高中时 I remember you in high school,
你在足球场上胡扯吹牛 you were ripping people's dicks off on the football field,
谈论着环游世界 talking about traveling the world!
现在你在律师事务所整理文件 Now you're pushing some papers at a fucking law firm
坐着闲得蛋疼 and probably peeing sitting down.
爷爷 你想怎样过周末 Grandpa, I don't know what you thought this weekend was going to be about,
我来这里的原因 就是送你去博卡 就是这样 but I came here for one reason, to get you to Boca. That's it.
-好吧 -现在打高尔夫球 -Fine. -Now can I please play some golf?
-去他的高尔夫 -好吧 -Fucking golf. -Okay.
狂妄的管道阻塞者 Cocky McBlockerson.
他妈的说什么 What the fuck?
砰 Bam!
谁帮你税审 布洛克公鸡 Who does your taxes? H&R Cock-block?
住手 Stop it.
砰 Bam!
你是公鸡街区的珍妮 Are you still Jenny from the cock-block?
搞什么 打我屁股干什么 What the fuck? What is your obsession with my ass?
手机振动了 Your vibrator's on.
我设了密码 你进不去 You can't get into it anyway because you don't know my code.
看来爷爷还记得你的生日 Looks like your grandpa remembered your birthday!
-什么 给我 -我们要去代托纳 -What? Give me that! -We're going to fucking Daytona.
去不了代托纳 We're not going to Daytona,
高尔夫球车钥匙在这里 because I've got the keys to the golf cart.
你在干什么 What are you doing?
嘿 Hey.
-你怎么做到的 -来还是留下 杰克·迪克劳斯 -How'd you do that? -Coming or staying, Jack Dicklaus?
-爷爷 -快点 巴巴·特沃森 -Grandpa? -Hurry up, Bubba Twatson.
-爷爷 停下 -格雷·普雷尔带着我的球 -Grandpa, stop. -Gary Player-with-my-balls.
停车 Stop the cart!
弗雷德·卡波斯大杆在你那 Fred Couples-of-big-dicks-in-your-ass.
-天哪 爷爷 停车 -满脸都是魏圣美 -Oh, my God. Grandpa! Stop! -Michelle Wies-all-over-my-face.
欢迎来到代托纳海滩
这就是我想说的 Now, this is what I'm fucking talking about.
这真是太混乱了 This is so fucked up.
别着急 你会和吉普赛女孩出去玩的 Calm down, you'll get to hang out with that gypsy girl you like.
-我没说喜欢她 -噢 是啊 你会 -I don't like her. -Oh, yes, you do.
你没否认《时代》杂志的摄影师 That's why you didn't deny being a photographer for Time magazine.
你跟她约会 我和丽诺尔发生性关系 You can hang out with her, I can have vaginal sex with Lenore.
各求所需 再去拜访我的老战友斯汀奇 It all works out! We can even go visit my old army buddy, Stinky.
发恶臭 Stinky?
她们在哪个提基酒吧 Which tiki bar are they in?
该死 糟糕 Oh, shit. Shit. Shit.
-谁的电话 -梅瑞狄斯 -What's that? -It's Meredith.
-拜托 我得接电话 -叫她滚蛋吧 -Please, I've got to answer that. -Ah, tell her to fuck off.
爷爷 Grandpa!
我检查你手机上的睾酮水平 I'm just gonna check the testosterone levels on your phone first.
爷爷 把手机给我 Grandpa, give me my phone now!
正如我所想 水平很低 Just as I thought. Pretty low.
这是梅瑞狄斯的电话 This is Meredith calling... Shit!
你做什么 手机掉到汽车的阴道里了 Now, look what you did, you dropped it in the car's vagina.
该死 我得用免提 God damn it, I have to put it on speaker.
-什么也别说 -我一句话也不说 -Don't say anything. -I will not say a word.
高尔夫球网袋 Ballbags!
嘿 那是谁 Hey! Who was that?
不认识 我们在餐馆 No one. We're in a restaurant. Sorry.
“那是谁” "Who's that?"
-怎么了 -好吧 我想在周五 -What's up? -Okay... Well, I really want them
早午餐彩排前 to post our wedding announcement
在纽约时报网站公布我们的婚礼公告 on the New York Times website before our rehearsal brunch Friday,
你的那部分我会传给你 so I just wanted to run your section back to you.
是啊 现在不是好时候 Yeah, you know, now's really not a good time...
杰森 这样安排可以吗 Jason? Can we just do this please?
“可以这样安排吗” "Can we do this now?"
-“杰森·理查德·凯利” -“箱子大嘴巴的包皮垢博士” -"Jason Richard Kelly, son of..." -Doctor Smegma Von BoxMunchers."
“戴维和布鲁克的儿子 律师事务所的初级律师助理” "David and Brooke, is a junior associate at the law firm of..."
-“奶油馅饼屁屁和驴子潘趣” -好吧 他是谁 -"Cream pie fart and donkey punch!" -Okay, who is that?
没有人 是个患图雷特综合症的服务生 It's no one. It's a waiter with pretty bad Tourette's, I think...
不停叫着奇怪的话 不知为什么 He just keeps walking by yelling weird shit, I don't know why...
好吧 在哪家餐厅 Okay, well, what restaurant are you at?
-我听不清 -在查克奶酪店 -I can barely even hear you now. -We're at Chuck E. Cheese's...
代托纳海滩 Daytona fucking Beach!
代托纳海滩 没错 朋友 Daytona fucking Beach! You're right, buddy!
你们在代托纳海滩 You're in Daytona Beach?
路过代托纳海滩 Listen, we're just driving through Daytona Beach.
-正去爷爷家的路上 -杰森 -We're en route to Grandpa's... -Jason!
不知道你为什么要去那 I don't know why you're there,
今晚到你爷爷家时最好 but you'd better call me from your grandfather's house
-给我打个电话 -好的 宝贝 -when you get there tonight, okay? -Of course, baby.
我太爱你了 I love you so much...
-操 -婚姻艰难 -Fuck! -Marriage is hard.
那个火辣大学女生有没回复 What'd the hot college girls text back?
爷爷 给她们发什么短信 Grandpa, what are you texting them?
-短信而已 -什么短信 -I just texted them. -What are you texting them?
“我们在海滩上见” "We'll meet you on the beach."
是啊 加了个表情 边眨眼 边伸舌 Yeah, and I added the emoji with the wink and the tongue out.
不能开玩笑 爷爷 I'm not kidding, Grandpa.
今晚我不在你博卡的家给她打电话 You realize that if I don't call her from your house in Boca tonight,
我完蛋了 全完了 I'm fucked, man, I'm fucked.
老天 说起来像要和假释官结婚 Jesus. Sounds like you're marrying your fucking parole officer.
梅瑞狄斯 她就是这样 天哪 It's just Meredith. It's the way she is, man.
她不知道我在哪里时 会变得焦虑不安 She just gets, like, anxious when she doesn't know exactly where I am.
不要惊慌 是有机的 Don't panic. It's organic.
是的 我明白 夫妻总是吵架 Yeah, I know. Couples get in fights all the time.
但梅瑞狄斯不同 她会想岔了 But it's different with Meredith. She takes it to another level, man,
如果不在你家给她打电话 完了 and I'm telling you, if I don't call her from your house in Boca, I'm screwed.
好吧 现在来不及了 Well, ain't nobody got time for that.
是的 我明白 清楚 Yeah, I know. Clearly.
我不明白为什么不按计划进行 Which is why I don't understand how we got so far off schedule.
有时候生活就像个放屁地带 Oh... Sometimes life is just a fart zone,
你要冒着风险进入 and you enter at your own risk.
你在一口杯或者文化衫上看到 Have you been reading shit off the shot glasses and the shirts in here
然后就说这是智慧 and just saying it like it's wisdom?
我忍不住要说你 老兄 I was seriously trying to talk to you, man.
你不知道这里的利害 Do you realize the stakes here?
-太可笑了 -微笑 -You're ridiculous! -Smile.
你他妈的一直在玩手机 You've had a phone this entire fucking time?
还有什么我不知道 What else don't I know about you?
你怎么知道阿拉伯语 How the hell do you know how to speak Arabic?
爸爸从来没说过这事 Dad's never said anything about that.
你爸爸不了解我 That's because your dad doesn't really know much about me.
在他童年时 我都在部队服役 I was away with the army during most of his childhood.
-我们很少亲近过 -就这样他不喜欢你 -So we were never that close. -Is that why he doesn't like you?
有没有服务员 Anybody work here?
大家都趴在地板上 Okay, everybody on the fucking floor!
该死的抢劫 他妈的趴下 This is a goddamn robbery! On the fucking ground!
噢 我的天 看你吓得 Oh, my God, you should see your faces!
我出去吃午饭 买了个马面具 I just went out to grab lunch and a new horse mask.
前几天我跑到海滩去 哇 I left mine at the beach the other day. Whoo!
你会弄脏裤子 小朋友 I thought you were gonna shit your pants, little guy.
-真的枪 -搞什么 老天 -Gun's real though. -What the fuck, man!
放松点 这里是佛罗里达 Relax, this is Florida.
一切都有持枪许可 Everything's a licensed gun range.
你刚刚射穿了墙 老天 You just shot through a wall, man!
-嘿 -外面有行人 -Hey... -There's pedestrians outside!
再说一遍 这里是佛罗里达 他们无关紧要 Yeah, again, it's Florida! These people don't matter.
-什么 -欢迎来到塔姆·帕姆冲浪店 -What? -So? Welcome to Tam Pam Surf Slam.
先生们 要买些什么 我叫帕姆 What can I do for you, gentlemen? I'm Pam.
-你是帕姆 -没错 是个昵称 -You're Pam? -Yeah. It's a nickname.
真名叫帕姆拉 Real name's Pamela.
嘿 伙计 绝对没有 Hey, no, guys! Absolutely not!
我这里从来不卖毒品 I will not ever sell you drugs out of this establishment!
没让你卖毒品给我们 We didn't ask you to sell us drugs.
很好 你们不是警察 Okay, cool. You're not cops.
如果这样 欢迎选购毒品 In which case, welcome to drugs!
-我的天 -真是太酷了 -Oh, my God. -Now, I'm pretty cool,
我只卖自然发生的东西 so I only sell the stuff that occurs naturally.
有大麻 有蘑菇 还有冰毒 So I got weed, I got mushrooms, I got meth.
-冰毒 -是啊 -Meth? -Yeah.
冰毒怎么自然发生 How is that natural?
就在我表哥巴尔的摩的地下室里 Well, it occurs naturally in my cousin's basement in Baltimore,
你明白我的意思 if you know what I mean.
我拿走这东西 你拿枪乱射 I'm taking this, and this, because you shot at me.
对不起 差点杀了你 Oh, I'm sorry, I almost shot you.
想怎样 一路哭回家 帅哥 What are you going to do? Cry all the way home, handsome?
我会在网上给你评零星 I'm also giving you zero stars on Yelp.
真是个混蛋 What a dick.
-嘿 -嘿 -Hey. -Hey.
嗨 教授 Hi, professor.
海滩上最漂亮的小女孩 Well, there's the prettiest little girl on the beach.
-谢谢 -我说的是他 -Thank you. -I was actually talking to him.
是啊 赶紧闪人 我回旅馆了 Yup! Immediately offensive. I'm going back to the hotel.
不要在回去的路上多带了 Just try not to join the cast of Rent on the way back!
教授来了 百万富翁来了 So we got the professor, you got the millionaire.
吉利根岛其他人怎么样 How's the rest of the Gilligan's Island cast?
我们很好 We're good.
-是吗 -是的 大家都很好 -Yeah? -Yeah, everyone's good.
-那很好 -在岛上好极了 -Well, that's good. -Copacetic on the island.
那些被洗掉的照片怎么样 How are those washed-out pictures you're taking
还用灯光优化程序 because you still have the lighting optimizer on?
不是 你说什么 They're not... Where is that?
这些对新型60D相机非常敏感 Actually, it's really hypersensitive on the new 60D model.
必须这样 So you have to...
-什么照片 -好了 别看 -Wait. What is that? -Okay, nope.
-你干什么 -还给我 马里布·肯 -What are you doing? -Give it back, Malibu Ken.
-不 -什么 -No... -What?
你居然变成那样的人 You did it. You turned into one of those people.
我变成了那种对什么都不在乎的人 I turned into one of those people that gives a shit about something?
你要专注在北极熊身上 Are you gonna chain yourself to a polar bear?
除非你让我借 这是什么 沙滩衫 Only if you let me borrow... What is this, a beach sweater?
-是的 -你刚滑雪回来 -Yeah. -What, did you just come from skiing?
我滑雪了 为了看你拯救世界 Yeah, I skied in, just to see you save the world.
-一次一个果冻 -击掌 -One Jell-O shot at a time. -High-five!
要不要帮你后背抹霜 You want me to do your back?
你应该先帮我抹前面 Only if you promise to do my front first.
非常乐意 Gladly.
噢 哎呀 Oh. Whoops!
一时没控制好 That never usually happens.
真的吗 我经常碰到 Really? It happens to me all the time.
你猜是谁在海里拉屎 Well, guess who just took a shit in the water?
你们这些婊子迟到了 We've been looking for you bitches all day.
-他妈的去哪了 -车在奥兰多抛锚了 -Where the fuck have you been? -Our car broke down in Orlando.
你没有看手机 Do you ever look at your cell phone?
好吧 这些混蛋是谁 Awesome. Who are these cunt punches?
在路上遇到的朋友 These are our friends that we met on the way down.
-是的 -那是科迪兄弟 -Yeah. -That's Cody and Brah.
佛罗里达网棒球队的队员 They're on the lacrosse team at Florida.
-这家伙玩网棒球 -兄弟俩 -This guy plays lacrosse? -All-conference, brah!
哪个 他妈的糖尿病会议 Yeah? Which one, the fucking Diabetes Conference?
好了 我们要去喝酒比赛了 All right, we're about to boat race a bunch of those fucks
和来自佐治亚大学的那帮混蛋 from the University of Georgia up in the room. So...
天哪 佐治亚大学 Oh, my God! University of Georgia!
-不 你是个大黄蜂 -恐怕如此 -No way! You're a Hornet? -Afraid so.
好吧 你们可以加入 爱德华精虫手 Well, you guys should get in there then, Edward Jizzumhands.
好 谢谢 我们会的 Well, thank you. We will.
太好了 我们上面见 Good, that's great. I'll see you up there.
太好了 我们会准时到 Oh, good. Well, you say we'll be there and on time.
-很好 我会去的 -是啊是啊 我们来吧 -Sweet. I will. -Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.
-我们应该去 -现在就做吧 -No, we should. -Let's do it now.
-好吧 我们上面见 -什么 -Yeah, I'll see you up there. -What...
到旅馆来 泳池边 佐治亚吸吮 Come to the hotel. By the pool. Georgia sucks!
我们走吧 她们有男朋友 Can we please just go? They've got boyfriends.
那些肉鸡巴 不是男朋友 Those meatdick fucks? They're not their boyfriends.
都是高年级学生 They're just seniors,
在毕业之前吓坏了 and they're all just terrified and speed-fucking each other
彼此疯狂 你没去过春假 before the ship goes down. Didn't you ever go on Spring Break?
不 没去春假 我在法学院读书 No, I didn't go to Spring Break, 'cause I was studying for law school.
不能像以前那样大口地喝酒了 Besides, I can't chug alcohol anymore like I used to, Grandpa.
已经形成呕吐反射 I've developed, like, a gag reflex.
-呕吐反射 -没错 -A gag reflex? -Yeah.
只是喝啤酒 不是喝马尿 杰森 You're chugging a beer, not taking down a horse cock, Jason.
快来 Come on.
-大黄蜂 -大黄蜂 对 -Go Hornets! -Go Hornets, yeah...
这些女孩有三分之一患有疱疹 Hey, you know, one in three of these girls has herpes.
即使你没发现 Even if you can't see it.
老天 别说晦气话 Oh, Jesus. Nut the fuck up.
这是大学聚会 你个娘们别扫兴 It's just a college party, you nance. Chill!
嘿 她们在这 Hey, here they are.
去喝点啤酒 怎么样 舞王 I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes?
想喝点吗 紫色的饮料 You want some of dat drank? Some of dat purple drank?
弄一些紫色的蠢家伙来喝 Some of dat purple-ass muthafuckin' pimp-dick drank?
你他妈的说什么 Who the fuck are you?
很棒的摇滚聚会 It's a pretty rockin' party.
哇哦 Whoo.
是谁放的狗 对吧 Who let the dogs out? Am I right?
在开始之前 先喝一杯汽酒 Sir, before we start, would you prefer if we gave you a spritzer to chug?
-啊 -比如黑葡萄酒 -Ah... -Maybe a Pinot Noir?
你要倒了 老头 没人喝得过我 You're going down, old man. Nobody chugs like me.
你只会整天唠唠叨叨个没完 I bet. You've been chugging Brah's cum for years.
来吧 Let's go.
一口气喝完 Chug!
一口气喝完 Chug! Chug!
一口气喝完 Chug!
继续 一口气喝完 Go! Go! Chug!
其实挺好玩的 It's actually kind of fun.
是啊 不是真的 你知道 当然 Yeah, I'm not really, you know, for sure...
真心话 ...per say...
毕业后要做什么 ...what we're doing after graduation.
我是说 I mean,
-我们有机会玩 -胡扯 胡扯 -we have offers to play... -Blah, blah, blah...
欧洲职业网棒球 ...professional lacrosse in Europe,
-一群经纪人 -废话 废话 -but a bunch of agents -Words, words, words...
也希望草签合同 also want us to start modeling, so...
也包括这个肥头大耳的家伙 And again, we're talking about this fat fuck right here?
大伙 马上过来看看 You guys... Uh, you have to come see this right now.
好了 我们队赢了 All right, our team won!
我们从信誉良好的本地毒贩 Let's celebrate by buying local drugs
那里购买毒品来庆祝 from a reputable, local drug dealer.
嘿 你来这里干什么 Hey, what are you doing here?
我在推销毒品 老弟 I'm selling drugs, man.
我想让孩子上幼儿园 I'm trying to put my kid through preschool.
多么诚实啊 How honest is that!
摸我的脸 老弟 喜欢就多摸一点 Touching my face a lot, bro. Touching my face a whole lot, man.
吃点这个 令你心旷神怡 Why don't you take some of this. This'll mellow you out.
-是什么 -电子烟 老弟 -What is it? -E-cig, bro.
“E”就是“大麻” "E" is for "Weed"!
当然 为什么不 Sure, why not?
是啊 噢 太大了 好大一口 Yeah, ooh, that's a big... That's a big one.
很高兴 你没抽这个 霹雳可卡因 Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man. This is crack!
-什么 -是的 -What? -Oh, yeah!
这一个 噢 等一下 This one... Oh, wait a minute...
也许那个是霹雳 这个是大麻 Maybe that one's crack and this one's weed.
糊涂 你干什么了 帕姆 Hang on. What'd you do now, Pam?
操 等等 霹雳是哪一个 Fuck. Hold on. Which one's crack?
好吧 我拿的这个 别吓坏了 Okay. I got this. Don't freak out.
抱歉让你忧心 老弟 你不敢相信 Sorry to worry you, man. You're not gonna believe this.
-两个都是霹雳 -什么 -They're both crack. -What?
服用的量可能会在三十分钟内杀死你 And you have taken an amount that will probably kill you in about 30 minutes.
-我刚吸了霹雳 -是的 量很多 -I just smoked crack? -Yeah. But just, like, a lot.
我吸了口霹雳 I just smoked crack.
我抽了口霹雳 I just smoked crack!
美国 美国 USA! USA!
说的没错吧 Told you.
他没事 有点喝醉了 He's fine. He's just a little drunk.
大家都喜欢霹雳 Everybody loves crack!
蜜蜂喜欢裂缝 蜜蜂喜欢某些裂缝 Bee loves crack. Bee loves some crack.
也许应该去帮他 We should probably go help him.
刺痛 你被蜇了 Sting? You're stung!
该死 我刚找到我的皇后 Oh, shit, I just found my queen.
好吧 All right.
好 去帮他吧 Okay, let's help him.
对不起 杰森 Excuse me. Jason!
-嘿 杰森 -杰森 -Hey, Jason. -Jason.
-杰森 -杰森 -Jason. -Jason.
我要永生 I'm gonna live forever!
继续聚会 Party on!
该死 Oh, shit!
一 二 三 One, two, three...
-好吗 -你他妈的玩失踪 -Hello? -Where the fuck have you been?
昨晚到爷爷家迟了 We got to Grandpa's a little bit later than we thought last night,
我手机充电器又坏了 and my phone charger wasn't working.
好吧 我们错过了 Well, you know we missed the deadline
婚礼通告的截止日期 for our wedding announcement to be in the Times.
你在哪里 回来了吗 Where are you? Are you close?
听着 爷爷昨晚很不开心 Listen, Grandpa got really upset last night.
我稍微晚一点回去 So I'm just getting a little bit of a late jump here.
我想让你看看伴娘的花束 I want to show you the bouquets for the bridesmaids.
转到视频通话 好吗 So switch to FaceTime, okay?
糟糕 宝贝 爷爷家很乱 Shit! Baby, the reception at Grandpa's isn't very good...
-杰森 快转 -好的 一秒钟 切换 -Jason, just fucking do it! -Okay, one second. Switching over.
操操操 Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
你脸上怎么有沙子 Is that sand on your face?
那是木屑 我在车库帮爷爷 It's just sawdust because I was helping Grandpa in the garage, so...
脸上自然沾了锯子的灰尘 I naturally got the dust of the saw on the face.
-嗨 亲爱的 -杰森 -Hi, honey. -Jason.
-妈妈 爸爸 -你在脸上写什么 -Mom? Dad? -Is that writing on your face?
噢 我昨晚一直在写我的誓言 Oh! I was working on my vows late last night and...
睡着了 脸上沾了些笔墨 And I fell asleep and I got some pen on my face, so...
是啊 那必定会发生的事 Yeah, that must be the exact thing that happened.
是啊 梅瑞狄斯说整晚没收到你的消息 Yeah, Meredith called us because she hadn't heard from you all night.
我们请拉比来修誓言 We got the rabbi here to work on the vows.
-博克·托夫 杰森 -嘿 你好 -Boker tov, Jason. -Hey. Shalom.
杰森 说真的 你额头上的是什么 No, Jason, really... What is on your forehead?
阴茎纳粹十字记号 It's a swastika of penises.
不 不是这样 No, that's not what it is.
好像射精的旋轮 Acting as a pinwheel of ejaculate...
不不不 这是视频通话的特效 No, no, no, it's a FaceTime effect.
现在孩子都喜欢使用 All the kids are using them these days.
有光明节 看到了吗 There's a Hanukkah one. See?
我不太喜欢那个 就像纳粹十字一样 I don't like that one as much as the swastika full of dicks.
好吧 在讨论婚礼誓言时 Okay, as we discuss the wedding vows,
杰森 为什么不先告诉我们 Jason, why don't you begin by telling us all
你喜欢梅瑞狄斯什么 what it is you like about Meredith.
是的 从哪里开始 Yeah, where do I start? She's...
你好 Hello.
-你好 巴兹蜜蜂 -什么 -Hello, buzzy bee. -What?
如果想不出来 看看吧 老兄 If you can't think of anything, lean into them looks, dawg.
我能摸巴兹蜜蜂吗 Can I touch buzzy bee?
我爱她 不 不能碰巴兹蜜蜂 I've loved her for... No, you can't touch buzzy bee!
我喜欢她的方式 I love the way that she...
你干什么 住手 走开 What are you doing? Stop it! Go away!
别跑进来 妈的 走开 You're getting me in... Fuck, go away!
-你的巴兹蜜蜂很蓬松 -他说什么 -Your buzzy bee looks so fluffy! -What did he say?
-我不知道从哪里来 -让我摸摸巴兹蜜蜂 -I just don't know where to start. -Let me touch buzzy bee!
-你不能玩蜜蜂 -什么 -You can't have the bee! -What?
我要抚摸蜜蜂 I want to stroke the bee!
不要抚摸蜜蜂 好吗 You can't stroke the bee! Okay?
-我想吻巴兹蜜蜂 -不能吻蜜蜂 -I want to kiss buzzy bee! -You can't kiss the bee!
我喜欢她亲吻的方式 I love the way that she kisses.
-小子 -嘿 -Kid! -Hey!
-噢 我的天 -嘿 -Oh, my God... -Hey!
-他妈的变态 -哦不 -Fucking pervert! -Oh, no.
我得挂了 很抱歉 爱你 再见 I got to go right now. I'm sorry. I love you. Bye!
不不不 杰森 No, no, no! Jason! Jason!
过来 我说不要跑了 Come on. I told you to stay with us.
-他要我抚摸 -啊 哇 哇 -He let me stroke it. -Whoa, whoa, whoa!
打住 他说的是尿...蜜蜂 Hold on! He's talking about a pee... A bee.
-一只小蜜蜂 -什么蜜蜂 -A little stuffed bee. -What bee?
有一只蜜蜂 老弟 There was a bee here, man!
如此柔软 他要我亲吻 It was so soft. He let me kiss it.
不 我没让你吻 你说什么 No, I did not let you kiss it! What are you talking about?
-他没有 啊 -去死吧 -He did not even... Ahh! -You're fucking dead!
爸爸 太酷了 Dad, that was cool!
该死 Oh, shit!
看在上帝的份上 给我一条裤子好吗 拜托 Please, for the love of God, may I have some pants? Please.
老天 我很抱歉 当然可以 Oh, Jesus I'm so sorry. Of course.
是的 当然可以 我来了 Yeah, definitely. Let me hurry on over there.
喜欢卡其裤还是运动裤 You like khakis or sweatpants?
只要裤子都行 卡其裤 I mean anything's fine. You know what? Khakis.
-卡其裤 -是的 谢谢 -Khakis? -Yes please, thank you.
我要出去吃午饭 Also I'm gonna step out and get some lunch.
你要三明治吗 Do you want a sandwich?
当然 那太棒了 Yeah, sure. That would be awesome.
-好 火腿 火鸡 -我要火鸡三明治 -Yeah. Ham? Turkey? -I would love turkey.
真好笑 我也是个火鸡人 That's so funny, because I'm a turkey man myself.
-太谢谢了 -火鸡 好吧 -Thank you so much. -Turkey, okay... alright.
还有 呃 最后 Also, uh, finally,
你是想被一个心理年龄为 do you wanna be ass-raped by the man with the mental age of seven
七岁的男人强奸 or do you wanna be stripped naked,
还是想被他剥光衣服当作尿布 and used as a human diaper by the same man?
别想指挥我 你他妈的在监狱里 Let me know what time works for you, 'cause you're in fucking jail.
坐下 Sit down.
好吧 加里 我做完了 要迟了 All right. Gary, I'm all done. It's late.
-得去开店 兄弟 -我不管 你想把 -I gotta go open the store, buddy. -I don't know man, you tried to sell peyote
-佩奥特掌卖给中学生 -嗯 -to middle schoolers. -Huh, well...
我可以帮你拿到你想要的人类 I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get you that human growth hormone
生长激素 你就能再次长高 怎么样 you asked me about. So that you can get jacked, you said. Remember?
可以变得更帅了 You're already looking good.
好吧 放你出去 All right, let's get you out of there.
-他为什么可以出去 -加里 加里 -Why are you letting him out? -Gary! Gary! Gary!
是他卖给我的 He's the one that sold me crack.
老弟 你就这样对我 Hey man that's how you're gonna do me right now?
-告密要缝针 闭嘴 -对 -Snitches get stitches! Zip it! -Yeah.
-对 告密要缝针 -还以为是朋友 -Yeah, snitches do get stitches. -Thought we were friends?
最好的朋友 帕姆 Messing with by best friend, Pam.
-待会儿见 加里 -再见朋友 -I'll see you later, Gary. -See ya buddy.
你能给欠我的钱那就太好了 If you could get me that money you owe me too that'd be great.
-芬奇 -怎么了 -Finchy! -What's up?
-做了一笔交易 -是吗 -Here's the deal. -Yeah?
-不想呆在这里 -是啊 -I'm about to skedaddle. -Yeah, yeah.
带了些毒品 装在袋子里 I came in here with some drugs, in a bag.
我能要回那些毒品就好了 It would be great if I could leave with those drugs in the bag.
知道吗 我想要什么 You know what? I want what's great for you.
-谢谢 -在这里 -Thank you. -There they are!
-你走吧 -看那家伙的胳膊 -There you go. -Look at the arm on that guy.
-我知道 -真的变得粗壮了 -I know. -He's really getting big.
-真的有用 -生长激素真好 -He's really working on it. -I really need that HGH.
好吧 以后再聊 再见 Alright, I'll talk to you guys later. Bye.
是个好人 对吧 Man... one of the good ones, right?
好吧 听我说 Okay, listen...
伙计 很抱歉惹麻烦了 Guys, I'm incredibly sorry for all this confusion,
请听我说 我是个律师 but listen to me, please. I have to let you know I'm a lawyer.
知道有什么权利 我要打个电话 Alright, I know my rights. I know that I should have a phone call.
哇 见鬼 这是你的手机 Wow, hell, is this your phone right here?
-对 我的手机 -你的手机 -Yeah that's my phone. -That's your phone right there.
-拍张小照片 -抢夺聊天 -Just gonna take a little picture. -Snatch-chat.
-是啊 聊几句 -不要用我的手机 -Yeah, a little Snatch-chat. -Please don't do that with my phone.
希望有广角镜头 Hope you got a wide-angle lens on that.
噢 哇 Oh! Wow.
开个玩笑 Kidding.
有人交了保释金 让那个变态穿上裤子 Somebody just posted his bail. Get that pervert some pants.
好的 All right.
这几条裤子是上个世纪 These were a couple pair of pants
九十年代一场狂欢中被害者的裤子 from murder victims from a 1990s orgy gone bad.
沾染了精液或者血迹 We got semen-stained or blood-stained.
你选一条 要什么 Take your pick. What's it gonna be?
-血液 -那是精液 -Blood. -Semen it is.
-嘿 出来了 -不 -Hey, there he is. -No.
别他妈的跟我说话 Don't even fucking talk to me.
我知道事情有点乱 但我和丽诺尔关系很好 I know things got a little chaotic, but I'm so close with Lenore...
你他妈的怎么了 What the fuck is wrong with you?
我要结婚了 爷爷 I'm about to get fucking married, Grandpa!
一个星期后和一个犹太女孩 我刚从 In one week! To a Jewish girl! And I just woke up in fucking jail
该死的监狱里醒来额头上有一串纳粹标记的阴茎 with a bunch of penises on my forehead in the shape of a swastika!
可以称之为纳粹十字记号 Could call it a swasticock.
-什么 -是个文字游戏 -What? -It's a play on words.
噢 文字游戏 Oh, it's a play on words.
文字游戏 A play on words.
玩这些单词 Play on these words.
我送你到你老军医老战友的家 I'm dropping you off at your old army vet buddy's house,
他开车送你去博卡 he's gonna drive you to fucking Boca.
跟着你我完了 Because I'm fucking done with you.
-你看什么 -我忍不住盯着你的乳头 -What the fuck are you looking at? -I can't help staring at your tits.
-捏爆 -你他妈的干什么 -Pow! -What the fuck is wrong with you?
知道吗 斯汀奇在 You know, Stinky had more confirmed kills
越战排里杀人最多 一百一十八人 than anyone in our platoon back in 'Nam? 118.
闭上鸟嘴 Shut the fuck up.
-这是什么地方 -我不知道也不关心 -What is this place? -I don't know. Or care.
跟我一起来吧 At least just come in with me.
看看是不是找对了地方 Let's make sure it's the right house.
你先走 After you.
年度孝顺孙子 Grandson of the year.
你奶奶的骨灰就在里面 Your grandmother's ashes are in there.
她在棺材里 去你妈的 She's in a coffin. Fuck you!
噢 好吧 迟做总比不做好 Oh, well, better late than never.
是啊 干掉他们 动物解放阵线 Yeah! Fuck them up, ALF!
王八蛋 Motherfucker!
斯汀奇 Stinky?
你他妈的来干什么 迪克 What the fuck are you doing here, Dick?
噢 这个呀 Oh, this?
肝功能衰竭 This is liver failure.
-这个娘们是谁 -我的孙子 杰森 -Who's the lesbian? -That's my grandson, Jason.
很好 他是来剪剪我的吗 Yeah? Is he here to scissor with me?
这是对女同性恋的冒犯 Okay, that's just offensive to lesbians.
非常抱歉 凯蒂莲 I am very sorry, K.D. Lang.
宾果游戏时间 Time for Bingo!
来吧 斯汀奇 得把你弄出去 Come on. Stinky, we got to get you the fuck out of here.
-来 走吧 -我只剩一个月了 迪克 -Come on, let's go. -I have one fucking month left, Dick!
我不想你像这样记住我 I don't want you to remember me like this, man.
要你记住我是一个战士 I want you to remember me as a warrior.
-拜托 走吧 -斯汀奇 -Please. Leave me be. -But, Stinky...
不不不 让我说完 迪克 No, no, no... Just let me finish, Dick.
把你漂亮的娘们孙子留下吧 让他把我吹死 Leave me your beautiful lesbian grandson so he can blowjob me to death.
一切都结束了 迪克 It's all over for me, Dick.
你知道 我只想玩宾果游戏 You know, all I wanna do is play Bingo.
走吧 Go.
一切就绪 All ready?
太好了 Bingo!
你朋友的事我很抱歉 爷爷 I'm sorry about your friend, Grandpa.
到了这个地步 So it comes to this.
甚至还没有死 就了无生趣 Even before you die, you just stop living,
这一切都是真实事物的一个缩影 and it's all one fucked-up facsimile of the real thing.
只能回去了 We have to go back.
是啊 我知道 Yeah. I know.
-我送你回家 -不是亚特兰大 代托纳 -I'll drive us home. -Not Atlanta. Daytona.
-什么 -我要操那个女孩 杰森 -What? -I have to fuck that girl, Jason.
-上帝 爷爷 -我会 我要和她上床 -Jesus, Grandpa! -I do. I have to fuck her.
爷爷 你只是情绪低落 Grandpa, you're just depressed.
因为奶奶而感到困惑 You're confused right now because of Grandma.
奶奶要我这么做 Grandma wanted me to do this.
-什么 -是的 她说她死后 -What? -Yeah. She said when she died,
她想让我继续我想要的生活 she wanted me to move on and live my life the way I wanted to,
现在你知道我想做什么 and right now, you know what I want to do?
让我的鸡巴给那个大学女生吸干 I want to get my dick sucked by that fucking college girl!
这对你有什么好处 What is that going to do for you?
这会让你觉得年轻吗 Is that going to make you feel young again?
-是的 是啊 有什么错 -是吗 -Yeah! Yeah, what's wrong with that? -Yeah?
感觉又年轻了 我有什么 Feeling young again? What do I have?
死去的妻子 垂死的朋友 A dead wife, dying friends.
如果幸运 还剩几年好时光 A few fucking good years left if I'm lucky.
知道吗 他妈的把我吓坏了 And you know what? It fucking freaks me out!
是啊 Yeah.
我不指望你能理解 你还年轻 Look, I don't expect you to understand. You're young.
你有很长很长的一段时间才会看到那个深渊 You have a long, long time before you have to look into that abyss.
在我看来 和那个女孩做爱是我最后的选择 But the way I see it, having sex with that girl is my last stand.
没有你我做不到 And I can't do it without you.
我求你 拜托 杰森 再呆一天 这样我就能做了 So I'm asking you. Please, Jason, just stay one more day so I can do this.
求你了 Please.
好了 代托纳海滩 准备无上装表演 Okay, Daytona Beach! Who's ready for a Flex Off!
我说的是男人们上台 脱上衣 I'm talking about dudes getting on stage, getting ripped!
是啊 Yeah!
是的 明天就回家 我保证 Yes, I'll be home tomorrow. I promise.
我知道 是的 And I know... Yes,
晚宴对公司很重要 I know the dinner is important to the firm...
等一下 有电话进来 可能是梅瑞狄斯 好 再见 Hold on, I'm getting another call. It might be Meredith. Okay? Bye.
-你好 -嘿 是我 -Hello? -Hey, it's me.
有人在我屁股竖大拇指 Someone just stuck their thumb up my ass.
什么 What?
是啊 站在那里 正在打电话 Yeah, I was just standing right there, talking on the phone,
有人在后面 用大拇指戳我屁股 and someone came right up behind me and stuck their thumb up my ass.
你看到是谁 Did you see who it was...
噢 操 别这样 Ow! Fuck! Stop doing that!
-家里情况怎么样 -你以为怎么样 -How'd it go on the home front? -How do you think?
快来 走吧 Come on. Let's go.
快走 Come on.
家里的“壮志凌云” Top Gun in the house!
这里有独行侠 还有笨鹅 We got Maverick! We got Fat Goose!
有挑战者吗 Do we have a challenger?
-就在这里 -这两个 她想 -Right here! Right here! -These two! She wants to!
-这两个 -选她 -These two. -Pick her!
谁会接受这个挑战 Who will accept this challenge?
上去吧 我今晚让你做你想做的事 You go up there, I'll let you do whatever you want to me tonight.
-好吧 我上去 -好的 -All right, I'm doing it. -All right!
什么 What?
不不不 开什么玩笑 No, no, no! Are you kidding me?
我看你的身材比科迪好多了 I saw your body last night, it's a lot better than Cody's.
我的身材肯定比那个该死的杀人鲸好 And my body sure as shit looks better than that fucking Shamu's up there.
这里有上千人 There's 1,000 people out here!
迷路的老头上台表演 A lost old man has wandered on stage.
-你是他的护理 -不 他妈的不是 -Are you his nurse? -No. Fuck no.
上台去 上台去 Get on stage! Get on stage!
-上台去 上台去 -为我而去 -Get on stage! Get on stage! -Do it for me?
上台去 上台去 Get on stage! Get on stage!
这里有“壮志凌云”二人组 So we have team Top Gun
和令人毛骨悚然的老头还有他同性恋的女儿 versus creepy old guy and his lesbian daughter.
好了 代托纳海滩 准备无上装表演了吗 Okay, Daytona Beach, are you ready to Flex Off?
三 二 一 开始 Three! Two! One! Flex!
快脱下外套 笨鹅 Having trouble getting that coat off, Fat Goose?
看看这个家伙 Look at this guy!
就像特蕾莎修女的阴道 He's like Mother Teresa's vagina!
又老又紧 Old and tight!
嘿 看 太阳马戏团基友 Hey, look, it's Cirque du So Gay!
怎么表演 What now?
啊哦 老头倒下去了 Uh-oh! Has the old man fallen?
或者是 Or is it...
单臂他妈的俯卧撑 One-armed motherfucking push-ups!
我靠 Holy shit!
同性恋的女儿也一起做 Lesbian daughter's getting in on the action!
我知道他昨晚吸了可卡因 I happen to know he smoked crack last night!
俯卧撑是被恶魔的糖果点燃了 These push-ups are fueled by the devil's candy!
不可思议 Unbelievable!
该你们了 多莉·帕顿 Your move, Dolly Parton.
“壮志凌云”二人组会怎么表演 What are you gonna do now, team Top Gun?
还有 各位 别忘了去镇上 And, hey, everybody, don't forget to stop
塔姆·帕姆冲浪店 那里有每盎司五十美元的 by Tam Pam Surf Slam in town where I'm selling "beach towels"
“沙滩毛巾” for 50 bucks an ounce.
“防晒霜”十美元一小包 "Sun screen" for 10 bucks a dime bag.
那里兼卖冰毒 And I'm also selling meth!
刚刚结婚 Just got married!
该你们了 威而刚瀑布 Your move, Viagra Falls.
观众为“壮志凌云”疯狂了 Crowd going wild for team Top Gun!
爷爷 我知道怎么做 看好了 Grandpa, I got this. Watch!
收紧肌肉 数到三 一 二 三 Most muscular, on three. One, two, three.
噢 这家伙刚才拉稀 Oh! I think this guy just sharted!
-不 不是 -是的 -No, I didn't! -Yes!
叫救生员来 我想是喷屎了 Call a lifeguard, I think there's been a shart attack!
我没拿麦克风 I'm not even holding the mic right now.
-真差劲 -我有个主意 -You suck! -I have an idea.
小时候我们常做的那件事 Do you remember that thing we used to do when I was a kid?
记得 Yeah.
一 二 三 One, two, three...
等等 这是做什么 Hold on, what's this?
怎么回事 天哪 他们做什么 What is going on? Oh, my God, what am I seeing?
我嗑药了吗 当然了 Am I on drugs? Of course I am!
这太不可思议了 This is too incredible!
创造无上装表演历史 Flex Off history is being made!
-怎么样 兄弟 -是啊 怎么样 兄弟 -What's up now, Brah? -Yeah, what's up now, Brah?
是啊 怎么样 兄弟 Yeah, what's up now, Brah?
怎么样 兄弟 'Sup now, Brah?
怎么样 兄弟 'Sup now, Brah? 'Sup now, Brah?
太不可思议了 拿出你的相机 This is incredible! Take out your cameras!
放到网上 让大家分享 Put this online! This shit is going viral!
糟糕 让我下来 Shit. Let me down.
大家都拍到了吗 Did everybody get a picture of that?
你想干什么 What the fuck are you doing?
-我不能这样做 -什么 -I can't do this... -What?
-老天 -第十四届 -God... -The winners
无上装表演获胜者...等一下 你们要去哪里 of the Alpha Delta Flex Off... Wait a minute! Where are you going?
-你们 -要去哪里 -Guys? -Where are you going?
杰森 Jason!
不要跑还没颁奖 You can't just leave me here like this.
留下来 我们赢了 Why'd you stop? We were winning!
我是个律师 Because I'm a lawyer!
不能让别人拍我做这种事 I can't have people taking pictures of me doing stuff like this.
如果公司看到会怎样 Can you imagine if the firm saw something like that?
有人缺席 无上装表演获胜者 By default, the winner of the Flex Off is...
-带奖杯回家 宝贝 -两个假男人 -Bring the cup home, baby! -...these two dildos.
每一天我的事业都岌岌可危 Every single day, my career's in jeopardy...
-你在干什么 -把调节器 -What are you doing? -I'm taking the regulator off
从气动推进系统上拆下来 the pneumatic propulsion system.
给我一罐啤酒 Give me a beer.
爷爷 在军队里你都学些什么 Grandpa, what did you really do for the army?
-我说过我是个机械师 -胡扯 -I told you, I was a mechanic. -Bullshit.
会阿拉伯语 短路点火高尔夫球车 You speak Arabic. You hot-wired a golf cart.
告诉我实话 Tell me the truth.
好吧 我是特种部队 All right, I was Special Forces.
从越南到伊拉克在敌后训练叛乱分子 I trained insurgents behind enemy lines from Vietnam to Iraq.
把啤酒罐给我 快点 Now give me the fucking beer can! Come on!
看那个笨蛋 Look at this dummy!
真是个白痴 What an idiot!
好啊 再来一次 Yeah! Do it again!
去科迪房间换衣服 我扒了他的口袋 We can change in Cody's room. I picked his pocket earlier.
没什么好看的 大伙 Nothing to see here, guys.
警察快来了 Cops are gonna come pretty quick.
不 是他父亲 我是这么说 No, no, this is his father, so that's what I'm saying.
让他保持镇静 Keep him heavily sedated,
有需要的话拔掉注射 but don't be afraid to pull the plug if you have to.
谢谢你 医生 Thank you, doctor.
好了 他们在医院呆到明天 Okay. They're in the hospital till tomorrow!
我们今晚住这房间 The room's ours for the night.
看看这帮混蛋 Look at these fucking people.
在希特勒家吃早午餐怎么样 How was brunch at Hitler's house that day?
爷爷 我们家还有谁 Hey, Grandpa, who else in our family knows
知道你是特种部队的 that you were, uh, Special Forces or whatever?
没人 你奶奶去世之后 No one, once your grandmother passed.
在任务被解密之前 你父亲和我无话可说 Your father stopped talking to me before my missions were declassified.
他一直以为我是个陆军机械师 So he always thought I was just an army mechanic.
你不觉得如果告诉他 But don't you think that you guys would get along a little better
你们俩会相处得更好 if you told him?
嘿 快点 让我看看 快出来 Hey, come on. Let's see how you look. Come on out.
首先 没人会系他妈的白腰带 First of all, nobody wears a fucking white belt.
系白腰带是那些会空手道 The only people who wear white belts are people who suck at karate
和生活表现糟糕的人 把皮带解了 and people who suck at life. Take the fucking belt off.
最好脱掉那件该死的白马球衫 And you better lose that fucking white polo shirt
和那条起褶的卡其裤 and those pleated khaki pants.
你在和姑娘约会 不是在 You're meeting up with girls, not blowing an oil executive
高尔夫球场和石油经理吹 穿上这个 on a fucking golf course. Put these on.
好吧 你别忘了 我昨晚连内裤都没有 Well, in case you forgot, I don't even have underwear, from last night.
好吧 穿上吧 我转身 All right, just put them on. I'll turn around.
-好家伙 -天哪 爷爷 -Nice dick. -Jeez, Grandpa.
真是个好东西 你继承了爷爷的老二 That's a good dick. You got your grandpa's dick.
不是粗细 不是长短 样式相同 Not the girth, not the length, but same style.
很高兴知道 That's good to know.
你很幸运不像你爸爸 他有他妈妈的鸡巴 You're lucky you're not your dad. He's got his mom's dick.
你说什么 What the fuck?
快穿上裤子 Now put your pants on.
-糟糕 梅瑞狄斯 -不要接 -Shit. It's Meredith. -Don't answer it.
我的彩排就在周末 My rehearsal brunch is this weekend.
别接电话 No calls.
过了今晚 不用担心你的婚礼了 拜托 For one night, stop worrying about your wedding. Please.
有两个性感 聪明 漂亮的女大学生 We have two hot, smart, beautiful college girls
正处于性能力的顶峰 即将在佛罗里达 at the peak of their sexual powers about to meet us at one of
最后一家很棒的夜总会与我们见面 担心她们 the last great nightclubs in Florida. Worry about them.
好吧 Okay.
你在这里不太受欢迎 爷爷 I don't think you're very popular here, Grandpa.
你才是那个要小心的人 You're the one that's going to have to watch out.
-你可能是奥利奥 -奥利奥 -You might get Oreo'd. -Oreo'd?
两块黑饼夹一个白心 That's when two black guys fuck a white guy.
你就是中间的奶油 You're the cream in the middle.
游戏开始 Game on.
嘿 很高兴你们来了 Hey! Glad you guys made it.
-我们去玩吧 对吧 -我的继父讨厌我 -Let's go get fucked up. Right? -My step dad hates me!
快来 Let's go!
狂欢直到你怀孕 Party till you're pregnant!
噢 天哪 我喜欢这首歌 Oh, my God, I love this song!
你不会死在我身上吧 You're not gonna die on me, are you?
-没那么容易死 -很好 -I don't think so. -All right!
-来吧 -噢不 不 -Come on. -Oh, no. No.
你想要吗 过来 把帽子给我 You want it? Come here, give me that hat!
噢 我的天 Oh, my God...
给我 这是什么 Give me that! What is this?
嘿 嘿嘿嘿 Hey! Hey, hey, hey...
别搞我那私生黑人儿子了 Leave my illegitimate black son alone.
我们只是请他跳舞 We were just asking him to dance.
-他不想跳舞 -也许你想跳舞 -Well, he don't wanna dance. -Well, maybe you wanna dance instead.
-我也不想跳舞 -肯德基上校 -I don't wanna dance... -Colonel Sanders!
没事了 没事了 It's all right. It's all right.
不要把这地方弄脏了 Let's not dirty this place up.
这是圣地 辛纳屈在这里唱过歌 去停车场 It's a shrine. Sinatra sang here. Parking lot?
没事的 It'll be fine.
怎么会没事 看看这帮人 How is this going to be fine? Look at this crew.
来吧 我们也不错 Come on. We have a good crew too.
我们没有帮手 We have no crew.
我们要去J·克鲁 Are we going to J.Crew?
去他妈的J·克鲁 Fuck J.Crew.
不要这样做 Don't do this.
我要打倒他们 I think I'm going to have to fight them all,
你要先挨一拳 so you're going to have to take the first punch.
-什么 -好 他先来 -What? -Okay! He's up first.
不管什么样 Whatever.
你喜欢那混蛋 白小子 You like that shit, white boy?
你他妈的干什么 Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?
什么 你想要下一个 婊子 What? You want next, bitch?
嘿 下一个是我 Hey, I thought I had next.
跟他说你很抱歉取笑他是同性恋 Tell him you're sorry you made fun of him for being gay.
我很抱歉取笑你是同性恋 I'm sorry I made fun of you for being gay!
告诉他你生长在不同的时代 Tell him you were raised in a different era,
现在知道根据性取向 but now you know it's wrong to judge people
来判断他们是错误的 based on their sexual orientation
基于某种原因你不得不和某人同性恋 and that if you had to be gay with someone for some reason,
为了防止恐怖袭击或其他事情 you know, to prevent a terrorist attack or something,
你会和他在一起 it would be with him.
什么 哎哟 What? Ow!
说啊 Say it.
如果我必须和某人做同性恋以 If I had to be gay with somebody
防止恐怖袭击 那人就是你 to prevent a terrorist attack, it would be you!
接受道歉 Apology accepted.
好吧 Okay.
在我用另一只手臂之前快离开 Get out of here before I use my other arm.
这事还没完 This ain't over.
现在带着你的小弟滚蛋 Now fuck off and take Jodeci with you.
我们走吧 Let's roll.
真糟糕 丽诺尔今晚吐了一身 It's too bad Lenore barfed all over herself tonight.
我绝对可以和她做爱 I definitely could have had sex with her.
是的 Yup.
如果只是呕吐 我可能还会跟她做爱 I probably could have still had sex if she just threw up on her front,
但是她吐得满身都是 我感觉很糟糕 but she somehow got it all over her back, and I would have felt bad.
骑士精神并没有消亡 Well, chivalry isn't dead.
我喜欢你今晚强力一击的样子 I like the way you took that haymaker tonight.
有时候你需要把拳头放在前面 知道吗 Sometimes you just gotta take that punch up front, you know?
归根到底更容易做 Then things get easier in the long run.
“自压迫中解放” 刻在刀上 "De Oppresso Liber." It's written on your knife too.
那是什么意思 What does that mean?
嘿 十二点以后熄灯 男生们 Hey, lights out after 12:00, boys.
最好不要半夜 I better not catch you swimming
游过湖去女生营 across the lake to the girls' camp, okay?
-晚安 -晚安 -Night. -Good night.
明天我找莎迪亚做点什么 You know, maybe I'll find something to do with Shadia tomorrow
给你和丽诺尔多一点独处的时间 and give you and Lenore a little more alone time.
我觉得我们只会妨碍你 I kind of feel like we're just getting in your way.
-是啊 -我肯定有些 -Yeah? -I'm sure there's something...
搞什么 脱光衣服睡觉 What the fuck? Did you just get naked?
-这是最好的睡觉方式 -天哪 -It's the best way to sleep. -Oh, my God!
我在乌干达学成裸睡的习惯 I picked it up in Uganda from the Umbatdo.
别让你的垃圾碰我的腿 否则你就睡地板 Umbat-don't let your junk touch my leg again or you're sleeping on the floor.
-晚安 -晚安 -Night. -Night.
杰森 Jason...
他妈的 天哪 The fuck! Oh, my God!
这些家伙为什么要砍树 What do these guys want to cut all the trees down for anyway?
为一些蠢物 庞大俗气的娱乐设施 For some stupid, like, massive, tacky entertainment complex.
那些拱形走道和激光枪战 诸如此类 You know, the ones with, like, arcades and laser tag. That sort of thing.
-激光枪战 我喜欢 -是的 -Laser tag? I love laser tag. -Yeah.
-什么时候开张 -好 多谢 -When does it open? -Nice. Thanks a lot.
-莎迪亚 -嗨 格里兹 -Shadia! -Hi, Griz.
你在波士顿拉力赛上拍的照片太棒了 Oh, my God, your pics from the Boston rally look amazing!
-谢谢 -是啊 毫无疑问 -Thank you. -Yeah. Absolutely.
好可爱的哈迪撒克 Sweet Hacky Sack, man.
这不是哈迪撒克 那是商品名 It's not a Hacky Sack, dawg. That's the trade name.
这是一个有机麻仁足包 It's an organic hemp-seed foot satchel.
激光枪战大厅的人来这里干什么 And what's someone from the fucking laser tag lobby doing here?
不 我是莎迪亚的朋友 No, I'm just a friend of Shadia's.
只是个朋友 Just a friend.
真酷 那是什么 跳舞的球 That's pretty cool, man. What is that, a dance ball?
操 说什么 Fuck! What the fuck?
-开什么玩笑 -就像一个 -You're fucking kidding me. -It's like a...
说什么 What the fuck?
这是四英寸亚克力杂耍球 笨蛋 It's a 4-inch acrylic juggling orb! Dick.
下周末见 I'll see you guys next weekend.
-当然可以 -好 再见 -Absolutely. Absolutely. -Yeah? Okay. Bye.
-项链不错 -再见 -Love your necklace. -Bye.
嘿 格里兹 Hey, Griz...
不要碰 那是激光枪战 Don't touch that, it's from Laser Tag.
抱歉 Sorry.
-他们是好人 我发誓 -给我看看 -They're good people. I swear. -Let me see that.
你和“好人”都去哪了 Where are you going with these "good people"?
我们要去海边租一艘船一年 We're heading out to the coast to, um, charter a boat for the year.
-今年 -是的 -For the year? -Yeah.
租船干什么 To do what?
记录气候变化对海洋的影响 We're documenting the effects of climate change out on the ocean.
难道你不是下周末毕业 Aren't you supposed to graduate next weekend?
是的 Yeah.
我觉得你好像在逃避什么 Seems to me like you're running from something.
拜托 难道不需要做出 Come on, haven't you had to make sacrifices
牺牲就能成为一名摄影师 to get where you are as a photographer?
是的 但是 I mean, yeah, but...
这是不同的 That's different.
看看这个 Look at this.
-我讨厌自己的照片 -为什么 -I hate photos of myself. -Why?
你看起来很漂亮 You look beautiful.
看见没 See?
是的 Hey.
等等 冷静点 Wait, just calm down.
-什么 -该死 我们马上就到 -What? -Shit. Yeah, we'll be right there.
-怎么了 -我们快回去 -What's going on? -We gotta go.
我从洗手间回来 俱乐部里所有的黑人 And then I came back from the bathroom and all those black guys from the club
站在丽诺尔和理查德博士周围 were, like, standing around Lenore and Dr. Richards
大喊大叫 威胁他们 and they were yelling at them and threatening them
然后绑架了他们 and they, like, kidnapped them!
-其中一人有枪 -他们被带到哪里 -And I think one of them had a gun! -Did you see where they took them?
不知道 No.
那些人住在蒂尔曼 我就知道这些 Those guys are staying at The Tillman. That's all I know.
-好吧 -快来 -Okay. -Come on!
-快走 -该死 -Come on! -Shit!
什么 What?
我闻到大麻味 I smell marijuana.
你拿水桶干什么 What are you going to do with a bucket?
我不知道 I don't know!
好吧 数到三 准备 Okay, on three. Ready?
一 二 三 One, two, three!
好吧 我再试一次 Okay, let me try one more time.
GZA RZA The GZA, the RZA,
ODB Ol' Dirty Bastard.
-怎么回事 -乐队成员 -What's going on? -Gang stuff.
瑞空大厨 Raekwon the Chef!
还有迈瑟 And the Method Man!
嘿 在这里 抗议怎么样 Hey! Here they are! How was the protest?
-很好 -是啊 很好 -It was good. -Yeah, it was good.
这是拉马尔 克里斯 大克里斯 默里·芬克尔斯坦 This is Lamar, Lil' Chris, Big Chris, Murray Finkelstein.
还有你见过的泰-里佐恩 And, of course, you've already met Ty-rizone.
那个黑鬼疯了 老兄 That nigga's crazy, man.
那个N字什么意思 我知道 不能说 Yeah, what's with the N-word, anyway? I can say it. I can't say it...
让你说时才可以说 You can say it when we let you say it.
这种情况永远不会出现 在任何情况下都不要这么说 Which is never. Just never say that under any circumstances.
强来啊 Shotgun!
这他妈的怎么回事 What the fuck is going on?
我以为这些家伙想杀了你 I thought these guys wanted to kill you!
黎巴嫩红 Lebanese Red.
我在中东的时候留下了一些东西 I had some of this left over from my time in the Middle East.
经常享用这些垃圾 可以逃过一劫 You throw some of this shit around, you can really get away with anything.
-抽点吧 -你现在抽烟 -Have some. -You're smoking grass now?
老天 这会上瘾 爷爷 Jesus, this is a gateway drug, Grandpa.
是啊 你刚开了个小妞的门 Yeah, well, you just opened the gateway to being a pussy.
-抽吧 -哟 D 跳舞吧 -Take some. -Yo, D. Let's fucking bounce!
-跳舞吧 -去哪里 -Let's fucking bounce! -Where?
♪ 一切都很好 ♪ ♪ And everything is all right ♪
♪ 我听到金姆的嘟嘟声 她可以整晚做爱 ♪ ♪ I got a beep from Kim And she can fuck all night ♪
♪ 打电话给家人 我问你们 ♪ ♪ Called up the homies and I'm asking y'all ♪
♪ 你们都在哪个公园打篮球 ♪ ♪ Which park are y'all playing basketball? ♪
♪ 让我上场 我是个麻烦 ♪ ♪ Get me on the court and I'm trouble ♪
♪ 上周随便玩 得到了三双 ♪ ♪ Last week fucked around And got a triple double ♪
要我说吗 要我说吗 Can I say it? Can I say it?
不不不 No! No, no.
-说吧 -说出来 -Say it! -Say that shit!
♪ 他妈的黑鬼都喜欢MJ ♪ ♪ Freaking niggas every way like MJ ♪
♪ 我不敢相信今天是个好日子 ♪ ♪ I can't believe today was a good day ♪
我今晚要跟他上床 I'm totally gonna fuck him tonight.
我想看 现在也想跟他上床 Can I watch? 'Cause I kind of want to fuck him too now.
扔掉麦克风 宝贝 Drop the mic, baby! Drop the mic, baby!
-这就是我要说的 -安静 黑鬼 -That's what I'm talking about! -Peace out, niggas!
我喜欢你 小子 讨厌 I see you, boy. Nasty!
-接下来是莎迪亚和杰森 -该我们了 -Up next we have Shadia and Jason! -Yep, it's us now.
什么 不不不 What? No. No, no, no, no.
-不 -快来 -No... -Come on.
我们唱不好 我不想这么做 We can't top that. I don't want to do this.
你知道那首歌 记得歌词 听到没 You know the song. You know every word. See?
你不是让我一个人唱吧 You're going to make me do it all alone?
很好 Fine.
嘿 Hey.
♪ 你一直在我身边陪伴我 ♪ ♪ For all those times you stood by me ♪
♪ 你让我明白了所有的真相 ♪ ♪ For all the truth that you made me see ♪
♪ 为了你给我生活带来的快乐 ♪ ♪ For all the joy you brought to my life ♪
♪ 为了你所做的一切错事 ♪ ♪ For all the wrong that you made right ♪
♪ 为了你实现的每一个梦想 ♪ ♪ For every dream you made come true ♪
♪ 为了我在你身上找到的爱 ♪ ♪ For all the love I found in you ♪
♪ 我会永远感激你 宝贝 ♪ ♪ I'll be forever thankful, baby ♪
♪ 是你把我扶了起来 ♪ ♪ You're the one who held me up ♪
♪ 永远不要让我掉下去 耶 ♪ ♪ And never let me fall Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ 是你帮我度过难关 ♪ ♪ You're the one who saw me through ♪
♪ 通过这一切 ♪ ♪ Through it all ♪
♪ 我软弱的时候 你是我的力量 ♪ ♪ You were my strength when I was weak ♪
♪ 我说不出话的时候 你是我的声音 ♪ ♪ You were my voice when I couldn't speak ♪
♪ 我看不见的时候 你是我的眼睛 ♪ ♪ You were my eyes when I couldn't see ♪
♪ 你看到了我最好的一面 ♪ ♪ You saw the best there was in me ♪
♪ 我够不着的时候 扶我起来 ♪ ♪ Lifted me up when I couldn't reach ♪
♪ 你给了我信心 因为你相信 ♪ ♪ You gave me faith 'cause you believed ♪
♪ 我就是我 ♪ ♪ I'm everything I am ♪
-该死 - ♪ 因为你爱我 ♪ -Damn! -♪ Because you loved me ♪
你是谁 Who are you?
我只是说 谁唱得好 I'm just saying, who sings that well
可以媲美职业歌手 and isn't a professional singer?
你唱歌真棒 你真的很烂 You're so good at singing you actually suck!
想过来喝杯睡前酒吗 You guys want to come up for a nightcap?
-好吧 -是不是真的 -Yeah, well... -See if shit gets real?
年轻的麦可·布雷和我去泳池边喝一杯 Well, young Michael Buble and I are gonna have a stogie by the pool, so...
-在那儿见 -好的 -See you up there? -Yeah.
我想让你知道我有多感激 I want you to know how much I appreciate
你为我做这些 杰森 you doing this for me, Jason.
孙子能给祖父最好的礼物是一个热辣的女大学生 The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl
她想在他死前与他发生无保护措施的性行为 who wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies.
是啊 大多数爷爷只想要太妃糖 Yeah, well, most grandpas just want toffee.
出什么事了 What's the matter?
我想取消我的婚礼 I think I'm gonna call off my wedding.
好吧 等你结婚了 相处很长的时间 Well, when you get married, it's for a long fucking time.
这很难忍受 And it's hard.
最好和能让事情变得有趣的女人在一起 So it damn well better be with a woman who keeps things interesting.
你知道你奶奶 曾经尝试自己种盆栽 You know your grandmother, she tried to grow her own pot plant once?
-真的 -是的 -Really? -Yeah,
她想看看自己能不能做到 she just wanted to see if she could do it.
她总是那样让我吃惊 She was always surprising me like that.
我们也每五年试一次肛交 We also tried anal once every five years.
真贴心 Sweet.
我怀念和别人分享一切的时光 I miss having someone to share everything with.
把莎迪亚蒙在鼓里是不公平的 It's not fair to just keep Shadia in the dark like this.
我们开始这一切 就是一个大谎言 Since we started this, it's just been one big lie.
她并不知道我的过去 She has no idea who I am.
我得告诉她实情 I have to tell her the truth.
也许今晚告诉她有点唐突 Well, maybe telling her tonight is a little abrupt.
关系中最重要的部分是信任 The most important part of a relationship is trust.
-没错 -我现在就开始 -That's right. -And I'm going to start now.
或者你可以等我今晚和丽诺尔做爱 Or you can just wait till I have sex with Lenore tonight,
你可以把一切都告诉莎迪亚 then you can tell Shadia everything.
-不 我不能坐等 -杰森 我是你爷爷 -No. I'm just lying. -Jason, I'm your grandfather!
你等我操完那个女生再说 You wait till I fuck that college girl!
-我现在就告诉她 -杰森 -I'm telling her now. -Jason...
杰森 杰森 Jason! Jason!
怎么了 兄弟 'Sup, brah?
退后 臭娘们 Back off, D cups!
好吧 如果不是“教授” Well, if it isn't the "professor."
这些天用你的名字在谷歌查找一下 真是太有趣了 You know, it's amazing what you can find with a name and Google these days.
你不是真正的教授 You're not a real professor?
天哪 你骗了我们 你怎么可以这样 Oh, my God! You lied to us. How could you?
等等 这部分才是最有趣 Wait, wait, wait, this is the best part. This is the best part.
理查德·“迪克”·凯利 Richard "Dick" Kelly, Lieutenant Colonel
美国陆军中校 in the United States Army,
又名美国角斗士“炸药” also known as the American Gladiator "Nitro."
你他妈的谷歌干什么 What the fuck did you Google?
好吧 还有一个最精彩的部分 Okay, well, there's another best part then.
“杰森·帕特里克·凯利和梅瑞狄斯·米丽亚姆·戈尔茨坦” "Jason Patrick Kelly will wed Meredith Miriam Goldstein
“于三月二十七日星期六在杰里科神庙举行婚礼” at Jericho Temple on Saturday, March 27th."
噢 等等 那是下个星期六 Oh, wait, that's, um, next Saturday.
等等 你们是爷爷和孙子 Wait, you're grandfather and grandson?
噢 天哪 太糟糕了 Oh, my God! That is so fucked up.
太热了 我是说 这太糟糕了 That is so hot. I mean, that is so fucked up.
那么 你下个周末要结婚了 So... are you getting married next weekend?
是的 我要结婚了 I was. I was getting married,
但我遇到了你 现在我不 but then I met you, and now I don't...
噢 天哪 不 别胡扯 Oh, my God! No. Don't pull that shit.
我觉得自己够傻了 I feel fucking stupid enough as it is.
你不是教授 你是摄影师吗 So you're not a professor? Are you even a photographer?
我是个律师 I'm a lawyer.
我负责证券交易的合规工作 I handle SEC compliance.
有限责任公司协议 我来这里是为了 LLC agreements. I came up here to...
滚出去 杰森 说真的 Get the fuck out, Jason. Seriously.
-我可以解释一下 -不 -Can I have a second to explain? -No!
等等 别那么快 教授 Hold up, hold up. Not so fast, professor.
不管怎样 我还是很想操你 For what's it worth, I still really want to fuck you.
-我们要做爱 -是啊 我们要 -And we're going to fuck. -Yeah, we are.
-我们要去打雷了 -你要海啸在我的脸上 -We're going to thunder fuck. -You're gonna tsunami on my face!
你会像尼罗河一样泛滥 You're gonna flood like the Nile.
是的 我的阴部干旱终于结束了 Yeah. I guess the drought in my pussy is finally over.
村民们终于要吃饭了 The villagers will finally eat.
你在吃我的时候会死的 You're gonna die while you're eating me out.
我要你最后一口气在我的阴道里 I want your last breath to be in my pussy.
丽诺尔 你真是个荡妇 Lenore! You're such a slut.
-警察 -没错 警察来查房 -Police! -That's right. Po-po in the ho-ho.
大麻雌花聚会 Some kind of ganja party?
-很抱歉让你熟得快 -违禁品在哪里 -Sorry to harsh your mellows. -Where's my e-vite?
-那件夹克 -检查衣服口袋 -Is that the jacket? -Check the right coat pocket.
-检查一下 -好 转过身来 快点 -Check it, man. -Okay, turn around. Come on.
那是我的夹克 不是他的夹克 That's my jacket. That's not his jacket.
手放在墙上 好了 Up against the palm. There you go.
看看 口袋里有什么 哈 Let's have a look. What've you got in here? Huh?
-好极了大麻 -噢 我的天 -Bingo-bango. -OMG.
什么东西 不是我的 What the fuck? That's not mine!
-“什么鬼东西” -不是我的 -"What the fuck?" -That's not mine!
他妈的 看来春假终于没有毒品了 The fuck? Well, it looks like Spring Break is finally drug free!
来吧 走吧 帅哥 Come on, let's go. Let's go, pretty boy.
噢 我们也走 Oh, shall we?
不 你甭想 走吧 No, it doesn't go down that way. Let's go.
我等你 爷爷 I'll wait for you, Grandpa.
把那玩意给我留紧点 Keep that shit tight for me!
他是我的亨利·米勒 He's my Henry Miller.
-那他妈的是什么意思 -确实不错 -What the fuck does that mean? -Exactly!
嘿 出来了 Hey, there he is.
你裤子上沾了血 You got blood on your pants, you know.
你的驾照没有被吊销 Your license isn't even suspended, is it?
都是编造出来的 好让我跟你来 You made all this up just so I'd come down here with you.
-我要确保你会来 -混蛋 -I had to make sure you'd come. -Fuck you!
冷静点 杰森 不用担心 Just chill, Jason. Hakuna matata.
你究竟想干什么 Who the fuck are you?
我早该知道你在奶奶 I should have known you were fucking crazy
葬礼后的第一天就开始勾搭女人了 the moment you started hitting on women the day after Grandma's funeral!
你他妈的别审判我 Don't you fucking judge me.
你根本不知道我和你奶奶之间的关系 You have no idea what I had with your grandmother.
这几天我所做的一切都是有原因的 And everything I've done these last few days I've done for a reason.
你要结婚了 真要搞砸了 You were about to fuck up royally by getting married,
-你他妈的知道 -噢 是吗 -and you fucking know it! -Oh, yeah?
我他妈的现在该怎么办 What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
找个连话都不想跟 Chase around some college girl
我说的大学女生 that doesn't even want to fucking talk to me?
不知道我这辈子在做什么 Not know what the fuck I'm doing for the rest of my life?
是的 至少你会为自己考虑一个改变 Yeah, because at least you'd be thinking for yourself for a change.
-这他妈的是什么意思 -你的父亲对你 -What the fuck does that even mean? -Your father has lorded over
成年后做的每一个决定都专横跋扈 every decision you've made in your adult life,
梅瑞狄斯就是最好的例子 and Meredith is just the latest example of that!
她不适合你 杰森 She's not right for you, Jason.
如果你娶了她 If you marry her, you're going to be sleepwalking
你的余生都像梦游 完全不快乐 through the rest of your life and be completely unhappy,
-就像你父亲一样 -我已经对我的生活不满意了 -just like your father! -I am already unhappy with my life,
因为我什么都没做 只是被你 because I've done nothing but get fucked by you
和你狂暴性之旅搞得一团糟 and this insane fuck rampage that you've been on.
这对我不是“狂暴性之旅” 对你这是“狂暴性之旅” It wasn't a "fuck rampage" for me. It was a "fuck rampage" for you.
-这对我来说怎么样 -我像你父亲一样搞砸了 -How? How is this for me? -I fucked up as a father.
我不是来抚养你爸爸变成一个物质男 I wasn't there to raise your dad and he turned into a materialistic,
怕老婆的 花花公子的乡村俱乐部成员 henpecked, poop-dick country clubber.
-我不想这种事发生在你身上 -就是这个 -I don't want that to happen to you. -So that's what this was?
我是你最后的救赎工程 I was your last-ditch redemption project.
祝贺你 爷爷 Congratulations, Grandpa.
你以为你是个差劲的父亲 You thought you were a shitty father?
现在你是个差劲的爷爷了 Now you're a shitty grandfather.
我不想在婚礼上见到你 I don't want to see you at my wedding.
他妈的离我远点 Stay the fuck away from me.
你喜欢这个尺寸 还是这个尺寸 So, do you like this size, or this size?
嘿 亲爱的 会场的人 Hey, hon, the people at the venue
说他们没有足够的薄荷餐巾 said they don't have enough mint napkins,
你更喜欢哪一种 so which one do you like better?
海泡石还是开心果 The seafoam or the pistachio?
我去拿 I'll get it.
那是什么 What is it?
噢 呃 只是一件结婚礼物 Oh, it's, uh... Just another wedding present.
我希望是威廉-索拿马的那把大汤勺 I hope it's that new big dipping spoon from Williams-Sonoma.
向梅瑞狄斯和杰森致敬 ...and as a tribute to Meredith and Jason
向你们分享的爱致敬 and the love that you guys share.
一种我永远也不会知道的爱 A love I will never know because my dog
我的狗在自慰的那天就死了 我不能再努力了除非 died the first day I masturbated. So now I can't get hard unless...
好了 Okay.
此外 必须阻止伊斯兰国 变得...太多了 Also, we've got to stop ISIS. It's gotten... It's too much.
知道了 知道了 Got it. Got it.
你知道 今天的庆祝活动 You know, today's celebration is much more
不仅仅是两个人的结合 than just about the union of two people,
也是两个家庭的结合 it's also about the union of two families.
-杰森 梅瑞狄斯 -凯利一家和戈尔茨坦一家 -Jason, Meredith... -The Kellys and the Goldsteins.
让杰森和梅瑞狄斯讲述他们自己的故事 Let's have Jason and Meredith tell their own story.
说得好 戴夫叔叔 Nice job, Uncle Dave!
♪ 你一直在我身边陪伴我 ♪ ♪ For all those times you stood by me ♪
♪ 你让我明白了所有的真相 ♪ ♪ For all the truth that you made me see ♪
♪ 为了你给我生活带来的快乐 ♪ ♪ For all the joy you brought to my life ♪
♪ 带给我的生活 ♪ ♪ Brought to my life ♪
♪ 为了你所做的一切错事 ♪ ♪ For all the wrongs that you made right ♪
♪ 为了你实现的每一个梦想 ♪ ♪ For every dream you made come true ♪
♪ 为了所有的爱 ♪ ♪ For all the love ♪
♪ 我在你身上找到了 ♪ ♪ I found in you ♪
♪ 我将会... ♪ ♪ I'll be... ♪
♪ 你要永远感恩 宝贝 ♪ ♪ You've gotta be forever thankful, baby ♪
♪ 是你把我扶了起来 ♪ ♪ You're the one who held me up ♪
♪ 永远不要让我掉下去 ♪ ♪ Never let me fall ♪
快阻止他们吧 Let's go in for the kill.
♪ 通过这一切 ♪ ♪ Through it all ♪
有黑客入侵 You've been hacked.
♪ 我软弱的时候 你是我的力量 ♪ ♪ You were my strength when I was weak ♪
-♪ 你是我的声音 ♪ -♪ 我说不出话的时候 ♪ -♪ You were my voice... ♪ -♪ When I couldn't speak ♪
♪ 我看不见的时候 你是我的眼睛 ♪ ♪ You were my eyes when I couldn't see ♪
♪ 你看到了我最好的一面 ♪ ♪ You saw the best there was in me ♪
♪ 我够不着的时候 扶我起来 ♪ ♪ Lifted me up when I couldn't reach ♪
♪ 我就是我 ♪ ♪ I'm everything I am ♪
♪ 因为你爱我 ♪ ♪ Because you love me ♪
因为你爱我 Because you love me.
什么东西 What the fuck?
那不是马撒葡萄园岛 That is not Martha's Vineyard.
杰森 Jason!
-关掉 -正在试 亲爱的 -Take it off! -Trying, dear. Trying.
-继续放 -关掉 -Leave them on. -Shut it down.
我有话要说 I have something to say.
我一直在听别人说我应该 I think I've been listening to everybody else
怎么过我的生活 about what I should be doing with my life.
我爷爷说了一些很有趣的事 My grandpa said something really interesting.
好吧 关掉麦克风 我要上场了 All right, cut the mics. I'm going up.
把那个重点向前推进 事情就会变得容易 ...take that punch, that point forward, things get easier.
-麦克风关了 -杰森 麦克风关了 -The mic's off. -Jason, your mic cut out.
什么 What?
你的麦克风在最不合适的时间切掉了 Your mic cut out at the most inopportune time,
我们听不清你为什么要保留那些图像 so we can't hear why you want to leave those images up.
打也没用 如果控制扩音装置 乐队 Hitting it won't work. If they caught it from the PA... Band?
怎么回事 What the fuck?
尼克 你帮我传一些话给她 Nick, can you tell her something for me?
告诉她 呃 Can you tell her that, uh...
真的很抱歉 我不能娶她 I'm really sorry, but I can't marry her.
你认为那个信息应该来自我 好吧 You think that message should come from me? Okay...
雷蒙叔叔 你能告诉梅瑞狄斯 杰森很抱歉 Uncle Ramon, can you tell Meredith that Jason's sorry,
他们不能结婚 but that they can't get married?
噢 该死 Oh, fuck!
我忘了雷蒙叔叔是个聋子 我像正常人一样跟他说话 I forgot Uncle Ramon was deaf and I talked to him like a normal.
鲁本伯伯 你能告诉梅瑞狄斯 杰森真的很抱歉 Uncle Ruben, can you please tell Meredith that Jason is really sorry,
他不能娶她 but that he can't marry her?
他说他很抱歉 他不能娶你 He says he's very sorry, but he can't marry you.
鲁本伯伯 你把那东西放大声一点 Uncle Ruben, can you turn that thing up a little?
没法调节声音 It doesn't get any louder.
在哪里弄的 空中商城 Where'd you get that thing, SkyMall?
在这一点上 我有点紧张 选择的任何人都会有残疾 At this point, I'm kind of nervous that anybody I pick will have a disability.
-好吧 服务员 -嘿 侍者 -Okay... Waiter... -Hey, Pubes.
你能去告诉我表妹梅瑞狄斯 杰森很抱歉 Can you please go tell Meredith that my cousin Jason is very sorry,
他们不能结婚 but they cannot get married?
拜托 老弟 今天是我的第一天 Come on, man. It's my first day...
我知道这是你的第一天 I know it's your first day,
每个人都需要你在这里做一个男人 but everybody needs you to be a man here.
好吧 Okay.
真的很快 Just real quick...
他寄语我 他想让我告诉你 He sent me... He wants me to tell you that...
他认为他不能娶你 He doesn't think that he can marry you.
他很抱歉他不能 But that he's sorry that he can't.
她笑了 我认为你是清白的 兄弟 She's laughing, so I think that you're in the clear, bro.
不 很好 那很好 No, it's good. That was good.
你可以回去告诉他 You can just go back and tell him
他不在的时候我跟他表哥尼克上床了 that I fucked his cousin Nick while he was gone.
她真是太可爱了 She's so super cool about it.
她说 “去吧 做你喜欢的事 做吧” She's like, "Go! Do your thing. Do you."
-她说的 -那是她说的 逐字逐句 -She said that? -That's what she said, verbatim.
等一下 我下去说再见 Wait. Should I come down and say bye?
-不 上帝 不要 -不要 -No. God! Fuck no! -No?
是的 不需要甚至 还是不要 Yeah. No need to even... Let's not even...
你只是 我做到了 我们太棒了 You just... I've done it... We're great!
等等 他妈的要去哪 Wait, where the fuck is he going?
杰森 杰森 Jason! Jason!
那个带iPad的人骑着轻便摩托车 It's actually the guy on the moped with the iPad.
国安局多年前就不用大货车了 NSA stopped using utility vans years ago.
我想一旦你把相机送回去 I figured once you sent the camera back,
就应该采取激进措施了 it was time to take drastic measures.
他说什么 要开始了吗 What'd he say? Are we doing this?
B计划 让帕姆绑架你 Plan B, have Pam kidnap you.
-我得找她回来 -你想让我绑架她 -I've got to get her back. -You want me to kidnap her?
我会把她装在盒子里还给你的 兄弟 I'll bring her back to you in a box, bro.
她坐开往佛罗里达I85的公交车 She's on a bus headed west on I-85 across Florida.
她的船四个小时后启航 Her boat leaves in four hours.
在中东整天干这事 很容易追踪到她 It was easy to track her down because of the whole Middle Eastern thing.
我打赌你从没想过因爱国者法案而舔一个女孩 Bet you never thought you'd 69 a girl because of the Patriot Act.
你们互相舔阴 兄弟 You 69 her, man!
然后她爽死了 And then she's dead.
你耍我 帕姆 这就是你的车 Are you kidding me, Pam? This is what you drive?
是啊 用冰淇淋车卖毒品 Oh, yeah, it is so easy selling kids drugs
给孩子太容易了 是很疯狂 from an ice cream truck. It's crazy!
-杰森 杰森 -走走走 -Jason! Jason! -Go, go, go, go!
杰森 停下 快停下 Jason, stop! Stop right now.
停车 停车 Stop! Stop!
你现在就离开 可以和公司的工作吻别了 If you leave right now, you can kiss your job at the firm goodbye!
戴维 你他妈的给我让开 David, will you get the fuck out of the way!
嘿嘿 别走 到底怎么回事 Hey, hey! Come on! What the hell?
嘿 除非你想要冰淇淋或海洛因 Hey, guy, unless you want a Chipwich or some heroin,
否则就别上我的车 get off my ice cream truck!
这个邋遢鬼是谁 Who the fuck is this slob?
懒汉 我是小企业主 Slob? I am a small business owner!
我是这个国家的脊梁 I am the backbone of this country!
我拿着泰瑟枪 I am holding a Taser!
-哇 该死 -兄弟 要不要住手 -Whoa! Shit! -Dude, should I stop?
-你干什么 -我刚好点在 -What are you... -I'm kind of in the middle
中间那里 of it right here.
倒霉 好吧 Shit! All right.
如果犯了大错误请举手 Raise your hand if you've got a boner!
该怎么办 就把他丢在路边 What were we supposed to do? Just leave him on the side of road?
嘿 兄弟 开慢一点 这很难画 Hey, man, can you slow down? You're making this very difficult.
我靠 是你在我额上画了那些鸡巴 What the fuck! That was you who drew all those dicks on me last week?
-是的 我画的鸡巴 逮我啊 -天哪 -Yeah, I drew the dicks. Busted! -Oh, my God!
噢 该死 Oh, shit!
别担心 起来 我们抄近路 Don't worry. Get up. We'll cut through the back roads.
-等等 什么 -换位 我开车 -Wait, what? -You navigate. I'll drive.
小心 小心 哇哇哇 Watch out! Watch out! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
该死的 兄弟 What the hell, man?
欢迎光临佛罗里达 WELCOME TO FLORIDA
到底是怎么回事 What the hell is going on?
-哇 逮住一只怪物 -好吧 开始吧 -Whoa! Got ourselves a bogey. -All right, let's do this!
操 我们要减重了 Fuck! We gotta lose some of this weight.
帕姆 把这些垃圾扔出去 Pam, throw some of this shit out of here!
嘿 我是帕姆 是个善良的希腊人 Hey, look, it's Pam. He's the good kind of Greek.
嘿 Hey!
嘿 吉恩 嘿 加里 Hey, Gene. Hey, Gary.
你怎么会这样开车 爸爸 How do you know how to drive like that, Dad?
该死 爷爷 告诉他吧 Damn it, Grandpa. Just tell him!
我是特种部队的绿贝雷帽 I was a Green Beret in Special Forces.
我在敌后训练叛乱分子 I taught insurgents behind enemy lines.
机械师只是掩护工作 Mechanic was just my cover.
好 我们都和好了 Good! We're all made up!
在那儿 是他们 走走走 There they are! That's them! Let's go, go, go!
-莎迪亚 -杰森 -Shadia! -Jason?
让公交车停下 我要跟你说说 Stop the bus! I need to talk to you!
你在冰淇淋 What are you doing here
-车里干什么 -叫停公交车 -in an ice cream truck? -Stop the bus!
-好 -靠边停车 -Okay! -Pull over!
我不会停车的 I'm not pulling over!
多谢了 帕姆 你这个毒警 Thanks a lot, Pam! You narc!
什么 我不是毒警 巴里 我操 What! I'm not a narc, Barry! Fuck you!
帕姆 你认识他 Pam, you know him?
巴里 是啊 我最好的朋友 Barry? Yeah, he's, like, my best friend.
我卖给他 狂喜都有六吨 噢 I sold him, like, six tons of ecstasy... Oh!
这就是不停车的原因 That's why they're not stopping the bus.
里面全是毒品 经典帕姆 It's full of drugs. Classic Pam.
-我认识他们 -停车 -I know them. -Stop the bus!
-杰森 你要去哪 -你干什么 -Jason, where are you going? -What are you doing?
他们干什么 What are they...
你最好娶那个女孩 You'd better marry that girl.
我 不 她不是我喜欢的类型 太瘦了 Me? Nah, she's not really my type. Too skinny.
搞什么 What the fuck?
慢点开 噢 天哪 Slow down! Oh, my God!
你在干什么 What are you doing?
哇哇哇 Whoa, whoa, whoa!
慢点 兄弟 Slow down, dude!
-走走走 -去找她 -Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! -Go get her, man!
发生什么事 刚才怎么了 What is going on? What just happened?
嘿 我也不知道 我不结婚了 Hey. I don't even fucking know, but I'm not getting married.
好吧 那你对我撒谎就没事了 Okay, so that makes it okay that you were lying to me?
不不 不是 No. No, it doesn't.
你必须承认 我们在一起的时候感觉很棒 But you have to admit that when we were together it felt great.
-有真实的情感 -是的 -There was something real there. -Yeah.
-你想从我这里得到什么 杰森 -我要你留下来 -What do you want from me, Jason? -I want you to stay.
我就是不能留下来 I just can't stay.
好吧 Okay.
不 我明白了 No, I get it.
好 Yeah.
我想和你一起去 What if I come with you?
跟来 Come...
-真的 -我的意思是 -Really? -I mean...
我刚和未婚妻分手 丢了工作 I just broke up with my fiancée, lost my job.
又被警察通缉了 所以 And I think I'm wanted by the police, so...
一年在海上 A year at sea...
可能是我最好的地方 ...might actually be the best place for me.
好吧 Okay.
-分手吧 拉拉 走吧 -趴下 -Break it up, lesbians! Let's go. -Get down on the ground!
因为你们是拉拉 We're doing this because you're lesbians!
趴下 Get down on the ground!
根据州际法规十七章三十七条 According to Interstate Statute 17.37,
在州际高速公路系统上的逮捕 arrests made on the Interstate Highway System
必须由州警察执行 而不是由附近城市的 must be executed by state police, not your local law enforcement
当地执法人员执行 from your adjacent municipalities.
你好像真的很熟悉刑法 You seem, like, really familiar with the penal code.
似乎对自己所处的法学地位非常自信 You seem real cocksure about the juris-dick-tion you're in.
这么自信 有人在你脸上画了个鸡巴 白痴 Real cocksure! Someone drew dicks all over your face, you idiot!
好吧 看那个 你脸上有鸡巴 Well, look at that! You got dicks on your face.
中间那个 是我的 看 在这里 That middle one's mine. Look it, this one right here.
-我画的 -我早就认出来了 -I traced it. -I thought I recognized that!
足够的迎头赶上 放我朋友走 Enough catching up. Let my friends go.
他们确实没有做错什么 They've literally done nothing wrong.
帕姆 这样做会妨碍司法公正 Pam, we've got obstruction of justice here.
-鲁莽驾驶 -公交车里还到处都是毒品 我明白 -We got reckless endangerment. -The bus is full of drugs, I get it.
说到这里 我得走了 Speaking of which, I've got to get out of here.
今天店里有三把“飞盘”的钥匙 所以 I got three keys of "Frisbees" showing up to the store today, so...
-我该走了 有问题吗 -为什么不坐我的警车 -I should go, question mark? -Why don't you take my squad car.
好主意 把钥匙给他 That's a good idea. Give him your keys.
-你是说这把钥匙 -是那把 -You mean these keys? -There they are.
-是啊 -经典帕姆 -Yeah! -Classic Pam.
经典帕姆 去吃午饭怎么样 Classic Pam. What do you say we get some lunch?
太爱了 Love it.
再他妈的见 See you fucks later.
呃 我要和她一起去 So, uh, I'm gonna go with her.
是的 你应该 她看起来真不错 Yeah, you should. She seems real nice.
我想这是我们回去的唯一办法 You know, I think this is our only way back now,
我要把这些鸡巴从脸上弄掉 so I'm gonna try to get these cocks off of my face
让卡车启动吧 and get that truck started.
-给我一秒钟 -好 -Just give me one sec. -Yeah.
爷爷 Grandpa...
-谢谢你 -别说那些废话 -Thank you for... -Don't give me any of that shit.
回来后告诉我一声 Just let me know when you get back.
我想在《时代》杂志上看到你的照片 And I actually want to see your photos in Time magazine.
这个相机让我花了三个月的军队退休金 This camera set me back three months of my army pension!
谢谢 爷爷 Thanks, Grandpa.
-噢 杰森 -怎么了 -Oh, and, Jason... -Yeah?
上世纪八十年代 Back in the '80s, when Andre the Giant
巨人安德雷去花花公子大厦时 used to go to the Playboy Mansion,
他在床上堆叠了五个玩伴 然后用手指操她们 he'd stack five playmates on top of each other on a bed
一次五个 and fingerfuck them all. Five at a time.
他的双手特别粗大 Because his hands were so big.
就是这样 So... that's it.
谢谢 爷爷 Thanks, Grandpa.
“自压迫中解放” "De Oppresso Liber."
绿色贝雷帽的座右铭 Motto of the Green Berets.
意思是“解放被压迫者” It means "to liberate the oppressed."
-嘿 准备好了 -是的 -Hey. You ready? -Yep.
谢谢你送我一程 Well, thanks for the ride.
你会没事吧 爸爸 You gonna be okay, Dad?
我想念她 I miss her.
我不会有事的 But I'll be okay.
我是个差劲的父亲 我很抱歉 I was a shitty father and I'm sorry.
好吧 我们一起努力 Well, we'll work on it.
你这个人很难找啊 教授 You're a hard man to track down, professor.
-那是我的裤子 -是啊 是你的裤子 -Are those my pants? -Yeah, these are your pants.
我在口袋里发现了巧克力太妃糖 I found a Werther's Original in the pocket
整个上午都在吮吸 and I've been sucking on it all morning.
你知道我不是教授 对吧 You do know that I'm not a professor, right?
是的 我知道 Yeah, I know.
你只是一个下流的爷爷 You're just a dirty, dirty grandpa,
而我只是一个来自长岛市的女孩 and I'm just a girl from Long Island City
喜欢和老人上床 who likes to fuck old people.
我喜欢你那张能拉的沙发 I like your pull-out couch.
好吧 我有消息要告诉你 Yeah, well, I got news for you.
那是今晚唯一会拔出的东西 That's the only thing that's gonna be pulling out tonight.
我马上回来 I'll be right back.
噢 嘿 Oh, hey.
听着 对不起 我不知道能不能做到这一点 Look, I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know if I can do this.
我好久没做这事了 I haven't done it for a long time.
哎哟 我猜它们只是溜走了 Whoops! I guess they just slipped off.
我要你撕开我的胸罩 就像开社保支票一样 I want you to tear open my bra like it's a social security check.
对我说你跌倒了 爬不起来 Tell me you've fallen and you can't get up.
“救命啊 我跌倒了 爬不起来了” "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."
噢 不 Oh, no!
现在摸索着 假装你在找眼镜 Now fumble around and pretend like you're trying to find your glasses.
“我在找我的眼镜 我看不到” "I'm trying to find my glasses. I can't see.
“我找到了 我能看见 我能看见” I found them! I can see! I can see!"
对我说现在是四点 你想吃晚饭 Tell me it's 4:00 and you want to eat dinner.
“现在是四点 我想吃晚饭” "It's 4:00 and I want to eat dinner."
对我说你遥控器上的按钮太小了 Tell me the buttons on your remote control
找不到福克斯新闻频道 are so small that you can't find Fox News.
“我遥控器上的按钮太小了 找不到福克斯新闻频道” "The buttons on my remote control are so small I can't find Fox News!"
-告诉我它们有多小 -“它们真的很小” -Tell me how small they are! -"They're real small!"
告诉我这个社区以前是多么安全 Tell me how this neighborhood used to be safer!
“这个社区以前比较安全” "This neighborhood used to be safer!"
告诉我在艾森豪威尔执政时情况有多好 Tell me how things were better under Eisenhower!
“艾森豪威尔执政时情况更好” "Things were better under Eisenhower!"
-我们喜欢艾克 -我们喜欢艾克 -We like Ike! -We like Ike!
我们喜欢艾克 We like Ike!
你要射了还是垂死 Are you cumming or dying?
不确定 也许两者兼有 I'm not sure! Maybe both!
“就像一个人死了一样” "...for as by a man came death.
“生命也是由一个人而来” By a man has come also life."
理查德·凯利二世 Richard Kelly II.
恭喜孩子的新教父母 Congratulations on the baby's new godparents,
杰森和莎迪亚 Jason and Shadia.
恭喜 Congratulations!
回到妈妈这里 洗礼完成了 Back to Mommy. All baptized.
你总是让我惊讶 爷爷 You just keep surprising me, Grandpa.
七十二岁的新爸爸 他妈的伟大的主意 New dad at 72. Great fucking idea.
嘿 小心你的臭嘴 Hey, watch your potty mouth!
-老天 对不起 -是的 过滤你的语言 -Jesus, sorry... -Yeah, clean up your language.
对你的新祖母表示一点敬意 And show some respect for your new grandmother!
-对不起 亲爱的 -没关系 -I'm sorry, honey. -That's all right.
亲爱的 有时间来看我们会杀了你吗 And sweetie, would it kill you to visit us sometimes?
-我们从没见过你 -对不起 奶奶 -We never see you. -Sorry, Nanna.
你想去开车吗 You wanna go grab the car?
-是的 -好 -Yeah. -Okay.
我来开小货车 去爸爸那儿 I'll pull around the minivan. Go to Daddy.
好了 到爸爸这里 好吧 There we go, come to Daddy. All right.
这有点奇怪 It's a little bit weird.
她变成我奶奶 She's my grandma.
你小子是我叔叔 And you're my uncle.
-看看这个 -我靠 -Look at that. -Holy shit!
-这是个好家伙 -噢 老天 快收好 -It's a good dick. -Oh, my God! Put that away.
-是我们的老二 -是啊 -It's our dick. -Yeah.
我松了口气 不是他的老二 I'm just relieved it's not his dick.
你帮我拿奶瓶子 You want to get the bottle for me?
-噢 好 -嘿 你干什么 -Oh, yeah. -Hey! What you doing there?
果冻 Jamba!